Kaizen.

I don't even know how to begin.

Life is transformational. Have I blogged about 'kaizen'? It is one of my favorite concepts, ever really. I mean, besides salvation, reconciliation, transformation, sanctification, etc...

Kaizen is a Japanese word that means 'continuous improvement.' How can I hear that word and not think of the work God does in me? In my last post I mentioned Romans 8:28... "And we know in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Kaizen. I am a work in progress, and thankfully God is on my side.

This work in progress is at once overwhelming, surprising, exciting.

Also entirely manageable when I involve God in the process... the one that he is guiding and working out for good... even when I'm not paying attention to him.

How awesome is the God we serve?

So, to move past ambiguities... a real update on what is going on in my life, mind, heart, soul...

I've learned that every job has its moments that suck. No job, like no person, is perfect. I'm not happy 100% of the time. Who really is? Recently my friend Jen from my small group joined our small workforce. We now have 7 staff members, 3 of which are full-time. I loved my job before, but I can't even explain what it is to have Jen there.

To explain, if you don't already know, I work for Families ETC now. Or Families Empowered To Change... ETC for short. As I was training Elena at Families ETC back in March (to June/July) to take over my TRAC responsibilities, the prospect of hiring me transpired. I was hired officially September 14th as the Evaluation Coordinator. I'm still in charge of the TRAC interviews, although I no longer conduct the interviews. I coordinate the process, but I don't make the phone calls or do the home visits. I miss going into families' homes and meeting them and listening to them, but I do not miss making the phone calls. They typically stress me out.

On top of coordinating TRAC, I also create the monthly report to send to our funders with all the numbers that matter to no one else. I'm in charge of making sure everyone collects and tracks the right data, formulating the report, and soon I will also be one of two lead facilitators for the Local Evaluation Team meeting that happens monthly. Pretty crazy, I'm like a real person now.

Funny thing about that is... I still haven't finished school. I'm 5 classes away from a Bachelor's degree, but I'm taking Spring semester off. A lot of thought and planning and prayer has gone into this... a lot of conversation too. There are several reasons, most of which I won't get into here.

There is one part that I'm absolutely excited about... I will have time to learn on my own terms, learn about the possibilities of my future, learn about the options I have and learn some more until I make a decision. It suddenly strikes me that I don't want to be plagued with the 'paralysis of analysis'... as often is my problem. I think and I think and I think and I think some more... with no time to act, no energy to decide, no strength to choose. It's a cycle, it reoccurs often in my life.

So-- many decisions will be made in the coming months. I mean, I have to grow up sometime. I'm going to be 24... I should probably stop putting it off.

I have decisions to make.

But regardless of the direction, God is still good.

And I am still continuously improving.

Kaizen with God's strength, direction, and will.

I never said my thankies.

Thanksgiving was almost 3 weeks ago and I never posted a blog about what I am thankful for... eek. I am thankful, I honestly am, absolutely.

This year I am most thankful for my friends who are like family, and my family who have become my friends. I am so blessed by my church family, by those who know me really really well and accept me anyways. That is true love. I'm thankful for true love in my life.

Specifically, I am thankful for my best friend, who I need so much in my life.

I am thankful for my small group, who I'm only beginning to know and loving more and more every day.

I am thankful for my favorite high school girls, who encourage me and inspire me more than they know!

I'm thankful for friends who listen, who accept me, who don't judge, who challenge me to be more.

I am thankful for the experience of counseling, for the changes my counselor incited in me.

I am thankful for my job, for the best coworkers, for a place to use my gifts and find new ones and learn things college will never teach me.

I'm thankful for spiritual direction, Sue is a wise and godly woman.

I'm thankful for wise women in my life-- such examples!

I'm thankful for my family of course: for a mom who loves unconditionally, supports unashamedly and vehemently, and follows Christ unapologetically. for a dad who makes me think as often as he makes me mad, who challenges me, who listens, who shares his advice (even when I don't want to hear it), and who is usually right. for a brother who is just like me, better in some ways, and cooler in even more... who gives up being home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his birthday to do his job, to fight for freedom, to protect me and you here at home. (He's a stronger, more selfless person than I.)

I'm thankful for so much more.

For Jesus, for grace and hope and mercy.

For transformation.

For Romans 8:28.

For unfailing love.

For Romans 8:37.

For Psalm 25:3.

For truth.

For growth, pain.

For Revelation.

For a God who redeems.

For Elohim who is also El Roi.

Getting the itch to blog more often.

I realize I need to post a 2009 Thankies blog. It's coming. I've been thinking about it. Sadly, I don't think anyone asked me what I'm thankful for this year, but I am thankful.

Especially after hearing Pastor James' message this morning about... thankfulness.

Psalm 107:8 (NKJV)

Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men!

Soon, I will post my thankies. Maybe tonight after dinner/homework/laundry/packing.

How about some bullet points?

I haven't blogged in a really long time, but a lot of things are going on.

-I have been going to counseling for the last 5 months, much less often now.

-Spiritual direction this semester, too.

-I'm taking 2 classes now: conflict transformation studies, and behavioral neuroscience.

-I love them both.

-I'm working for Families ETC now, not the Mental Health Board.

-I work 25 hours a week.

-I'm still a leader for high school youth group at church.

-I'm in a small group.

-My group of friends is shifting.

-I quit drinking.

-I'm living in active obedience to God.

-I'm sold out for the first time in my life. Maybe second.

-I'm so so blessed.

-My brother is leaving for Afghanistan in a few weeks.

-I did 6 loads of laundry in the last 3 days, and I still have 3 to do. I have too many clothes.

-I miss my friends from Lincoln.

-I really need accountability.

-I'm still a perfectionist.

-I'm an anxious person.

-I'm really forthcoming about my weaknesses... this is new.

-I am peaceful, hopeful, and joyful.

-I am experiencing the pains of growth.

More soon/later.

"But I must confess that I am not afraid of the word 'tension.'" - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I want to be comfortable in tension. I don't easily feel awkward. I can confront situations. I don't enjoy confrontations, conflicts... who really does? Who enjoys addressing the hard issues of life? We'd all like, I believe, for life to be conflict-free, for perfection to reign, for our city of residency to be the Garden of Eden. Screw sin, screw pain, discomfort, struggle, fear, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion. No one enjoys those things. But we insisted upon their existence. Now we must take responsibility and take action. We have to DO SOMETHING about it.

Even though we'd like to live without conflicts, we still have to see the necessity of them. Conflicts have the ability to move us forward. They stretch us. They better us. They test us. (Or God does, through them.) Conflicts, many times, are iron sharpening iron. Not always, but sometimes.

Sometimes conflicts are simply evil tempting us, attacking us, trying to ruin us. But there is even good to be sought in this. We can better ourselves by fleeing, by resting in the victory already won at Calvary, by relying on grace and strength that is not our own to carry us through. Conflicts are opportunities for greatness to abound, to be realized.

All this is not to minimize the reality of the pain conflicts typically cause. People are broken. Good people are seduced by evil things. People do horrible things sometimes, but that doesn't always mean they are horrible people. People screw up, daily, even by the moment. If at any moment we take power and control for ourselves, away from the All-knowing God who is better at His job than we are... if for one moment we shift our focus from Him to us, we put ourselves in danger of hurting God, others, and ourselves.

But people - broken people - can be redeemed. Not all will choose the love and grace and redemption that is possible through Jesus Christ. No, many won't. The path is narrow and the number are few who find it.

Change is possible. Redemption is possible. So we cling on to hope - the hope that is the anchor to our souls, keeping us firm and secure.

I need to more often rest in the tension of conflict so that I can be changed by it, so I can discover opportunities for greatness, so I can attempt to turn another person's eyes upward and onward to the truth. To the Father. To redemption.

Where to begin?

So many thoughts are swirling around in my brain. There was a time when that overwhelmed me, when those thoughts were consumed with negativity, laced with pain and fear and shame. Not today though. Today I don't know where to begin, so maybe I won't for now. Maybe for now I'll get some needed rest, I'll let these thoughts settle and nest and become part of me.

I'm content. I'm excited. I'm peaceful.

"I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a shit. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night."

Tony Campolo

The Risk/Benefit Ratio

In the last year, all I've heard about is evaluating the risk/benefit ratio in terms of conducting research and considering the ethical issues involved in experimentation and in practice. And I'm blessed to say I hear it from both school and work - I'm fortunate to be working in the field of mental health before I've even earned a BA.

I'm in the middle of completing Northwestern University's Institutional Review Board training. Most of today has been devoted to it, and I'm about 75% done. Again, I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I've read about the potential risks and benefits a research study might infer. I'm almost annoyed.

When a researcher wants to propose an experiment or study, the IRB has to approve it after reviewing several factors, one of which being the risk/benefit ratio. In other words, the potential benefits to the research subjects has to outweigh the potential risks, and any risks that exist must be minimal.

For me everything is related to everything, so it should be no surprise that my personal life parallels my academic and professional life.

Relationships have a certain element of risk/benefit ratio. That's nothing new, right? When you meet someone, you assess the pros and cons of being with that person. At some point, you must decide: am I willing to take the risk of getting hurt in order to gain the possibility of finding the love of my life?

The moment of that decision comes at a different point for each of us. Some people need to answer that question from the get-go. Others take weeks, maybe months to consider the weight of that commitment. For some, the idea of love is absolutely frightening, and to talk about it or even think about it so soon is ridiculous.

A friend of mine once told me that if you're not ready to hurt again, you're not ready to love again.

Because there's always an element of risk.

So we ask ourselves: do the benefits outweigh the risks?

I don't know.

Has the good become the enemy of the great?

I don't know.

I want an IRB for relationships. I'll write a relationship proposal, and a group of reviewers can approve the relationship based on the risk/benefit ratio, informed consent, and any other ethical or methodological issues that may exist. Ha. Unfortunately relationships are far more complicated than research studies.