if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance.

Blown Away By High Schoolers...

2011-04-02T10:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, around 10:00 am, a bus filled with 40 high school students and 10 leaders rolled into the parking lot of Harvest Bible Chapel Crystal Lake. Exhausted, drained, and unshowered-- yet filled, changed, and renewed.

As we approach the 6-year mark of Hurricane Katrina's visit to the Gulf of Mexico, many many houses remain abandoned and untouched in the city of New Orleans. The church that houses our team is located in the Upper 9th Ward, though it's the Lower that historically remains the poorest neighborhood. Tragically, as many know by now, the Lower 9th was also the hardest hit area in New Orleans, largely due to the well-known collapse of the levee.

The people are re-establishing their identity, creating a new normal as they seek to restore the lives they once knew. Though voodoo and other sources of evil are rampant in the area, there is an undeniable reliance on the Lord, the only giver of true peace, hope, and comfort. He is working, and he is bringing good to those who love him, just as he promised. (Romans 8:28)

Some attempt to use humor and laughter to cope-- We saw a t-shirt in one of the redundant French Quarter gift shops that read: "I drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was broke." Admittedly funny to me, although I couldn't avoid the heaviness of its reality.

For many of us, this was not our first trip to The Big Easy... and despite the hardships these people have faced, the laid back way of life prevails.

This year, our team worked on 5 total sites, including the church that feeds and shelters us. The other sites included:
- A return to 'Bobby' DeSoto Jackson's house, where a group helped this 78-year-old man maintain his immense garden and completed some needed yardwork.
- An almost completion of painting Mr. Charles's house a sunshine yellow. (The rain stopped us from finishing, unfortunately.)
- Completion of hanging drywall for one family's home.
- A demolition project, an amazing God story to be shared in another post.

I could write for hours about the way God worked in the students' lives this week-- not to mention how he moved in the leaders' as well. And in so many ways, how God use those students to impact the leaders and many, many other adults throughout the week. On the last night, 'testimony night,' one of the students insisted without hesitation that teenagers have a strong and special ability to impact adults, and that they should not be afraid to share what they've learned with those who are older than them.

Wow.

After only 3 student testimonies, my friend (and co-leader) Jordan and I looked at each other and exchanged a knowing expression of, "I feel like crap. What have I done this week?" Of course, we're aware that God used us this week as well, in different ways and in ways that we probably don't realize. It is, after all, for His glory and not ours.

Before this week, I was on the fence about continuing with high school ministry next year. 'My girls' are seniors and will be moving on to the next phase of their lives after this summer... so it would be the perfect time for a break. But this week I was reminded that I need these kids- and not just the senior girls- just as much as they need me. Because God is working in all of us through each other. Because God has grown in me the ability to love every single one of them, no matter how many times I have to tell them to get off their butts and get busy. :)

Despite my frustration with some of them this week, I have a newfound passion for teaching them to be different, for correcting so they can learn to grow and be different, for loving them even when they piss me off. Community is an essential part of life... close community like the one we experienced this week is crucial to learning about yourself and about how to love and serve better.

I am forever thankful for the opportunity to serve, to be used, to learn, to grow... to love those kids. To love New Orleans.

For the students, it's about New Orleans. For God, it's about love and it's about his people.

For me, it's about those kids, and it's about stepping into the needs that God calls me to fill.

Without a doubt, I'm doing student ministry next year. And without a doubt, I will go where God sends me... for Him, and for them.

My Latest Obsessions...

2011-03-19T12:06:00.000-05:00

1. StumbleUpon
2. Finding delicious recipes (though I've only made one...)
3. Words with Friends
4. Moody Radio
5. Exercising my 'no' muscle
6. Not feeling bad for it
7. Running

What are your latest finds? Websites? Best Words with Friends play? Obsessions?

2011 thus far...

2011-01-25T18:11:00.003-06:00

So, we're about to finish the first month of 2011. Have you given up your resolutions? Are you pushing through, full force ahead?

January has been full of growth and surprises for me.

The new year has brought new advances in my position at work... oh- I started a new job in late November. I seem to have gotten the hang of things pretty quickly, as I went from new girl doing data entry to taking my first business trip tomorrow. Unfortunately, one of our sales guys had some health issues arise last week, so he cannot travel to the job fair event he planned. I'll be the hostess with the mostest for the event, greeting companies and job candidates as they arrive at the hotel. Oh- I'll be in Salt Lake City. I've never been there; I've only passed through Utah during the (2) California road trips of Summer 2010. I'm looking forward to a new city, and a new experience.

My boss told me that now I'll be a real adult... it's funny how business travel and being out in the corporate world bumps my status up to 'real adult.' I remember hearing the pastor at the church of my childhood discuss the idea of 'normalcy' and pose the question: "Who decides what's normal?" The 'real adult' comment from my boss stirred up the question in my mind: "Who decides the definition of adult?"

The first indication would be age, though age does not always indicate a certain level of maturity. I know of people in their early 20s still relating best to 16 year olds, people in their late 20s connecting intimately with those barely of age, people approaching 50 who put 5 year olds to shame... and that's really saying something. So, sure, 18 is the age of legal adulthood... but experiential adulthood?

There's the key word: experience. But experience is SO subjective, we'd be foolish to try to compare... and I think comparing lives/experiences/circumstances is so dangerous. When we focus on what they have versus what I have... we become self-centered and driven by possessions. It's funny--we compare because of our insecurity, yet our comparisons only drive us deeper into insecurity and self-consciousness. In other words, all we see/hear is SELF SELF SELF...

... which, you might notice, says nothing about the Lord, of his greatness, of his glory... of the many, many ways that he provides for us, blesses us, guides us... we have much to be thankful for, and we do well to focus on those things rather than the have-nots.

No idea where I'm going with this.

I don't know. I'm an adult, I guess. Or I will be when I successfully pull off a job fair Thursday. :) In actuality, I have felt like an adult for some time... not sure when that happened, but I'm guessing it may have something to do with mentoring high school girls. As I approach 25, I realize that I am not as 'cool' as I once was... and how little that really matters. Being around high school students on a regular basis puts life into perspective and reminds me that there are things that truly do not matter, and there are things that are of the utmost importance.

People are definitely important. I am fascinated by people... and that makes me think of how we are all created in God's image, with his attributes sprinkled throughout our personalities... how cool. It makes me appreciate my crazy emotions a little more to recognize that God has emotions, too, and they are created for a purpose.

I'm excited tonight to talk to two of my favorite girls ever... my old roommate from Lincoln and our across the hall neighbor Megan. I miss them! Love chances to catch up, since we don't see each other often anymore.

Back to what the first month of the new year has brought...

Growth! Hard conversations. Accountability. Failure... but redemption and second chances. A lot of thinking and praying and asking what God would have of me. Conviction lately to listen more... talk less. Trying to establish more balance, more routine, more time management. LESS PROCRASTINATION, less rushing, less frustration. More freedom. At least that is my aim.

Anyway... this blog is all over the place. I've decided to make blogging a weekly thing-- probably on Saturdays. And I'm also going to work on writing thought-through posts, on pre-selected topics, rather than writing on the fly... which is what I have always done.

Thanks for reading... praying you feel connected to something today.

Cliche New Years Blog

2011-01-03T22:35:00.005-06:00

For the past few years-- since I started this blog in 2006-- I've been posting Thanksgiving and New Years blog posts, but per usual, I am late...

I suppose I will begin with my goals for 2011. Let me preface this by saying I didn't reach nearly any of my goals for 2010, and I'm certain I made entirely too many. So, this year gets 4:

1. Lose 15 pounds.

2. Learn to cook.

3. Grow in obedience to God's will.

4. Graduate.

I feel confident that I will accomplish these goals, most of which are pretty tangible and easy to measure. 'Growing in obedience' is rather ambiguous and can be subjective, but I'm committing myself to it and trust that it is possible.

Of course I have 1000 other goals in mind, and I'm trying to surrender them to God, because I can't do it all on my own. In fact, I can't do anything on my own, not very well anyway.

On to expressions of thankfulness...

I want to say how thankful I am for the many blessings in my life, and I am okay with the fact that is January and not November, because I'm trying to live a life of constant gratitude to God for the things he has given me.

I'm thankful for...

second chances

God's grace

patient people

growth & progress

prayer

wisdom

new journals

high school students

being used by God

humility

It goes without saying, but ultimately I am thankful that I can have a saving relationship with the God who created me through the Christ he sent for me.

Specifically, I am thankful this year for my relationship with my brother... seeing it grow, seeing him grow has been a great blessing to me.

I want to start blogging again... I miss it.

Life is good. It's so darn difficult, but I am considering it pure joy. :)

Little and big things.

2010-11-03T13:35:00.003-05:00

It's no secret that trials and transitions are times of learning and growing. I'm convinced the reason for my current circumstance is for just that: maturation, progress, sanctification. I'm loving it- not every moment, if I'm honest- but overall, I am filled with joy and peace and contentment.

I'm often reminded to appreciate the little things, the small moments, the quiet treasures. Today I'm at Barnes & Noble, which in itself is one of my favorite things. Ever.

Right now, I am taking note of these things precious to me:

>> a free Peppermint Mocha sampler

>> The Avett Brothers' album

>> a new favorite pair of jeans a size smaller than I've bought in years

>> the simple encouragements from friends to write for NaNoWriMo, via text and Facebook

>> breakfast with my best friend when we refuse to run in the cold rain

>> flexibility and freedom

These things are good, and important to notice and give thanks for.

But there are bigger things happening. God is doing so much more.

Constantly being reminded to surrender my agenda, in the smallest things, is leading to opportunities I never even dreamed of. Though I have pushed off my seemingly whimsical dreams of a career in writing, God is showing me his plans are bigger and better. I always thought one day I'll write, I'll figure out exactly how I'm supposed to use this gift, I'll get over my fear one day. One day. One day. Well, friends, 'one day' is here, I'm afraid, and believe me, I am afraid. But God "guards the feet of his faithful servant," (1 Samuel 2:9), and his "grace is sufficient" (2 Corinthians 12:9). His promises are true... I'm not surprised, but I am refreshed and excited and thankful and so many other things.

How timely that NaNoWriMo is upon us. God was preparing me for this. He's leading me to something. Can't wait to get there, but thoroughly enjoying the journey.

Things that keep me up at night.

2010-10-11T02:49:00.002-05:00

I've always hated going to bed at night. I remember fighting sleep as long as I could when I was little... and I remember late nights falling asleep on my floor with the light on as I sifted through old journals or pictures, refusing to climb into bed, into darkness, into restful sleep. Undoubtedly this comes from the fear of missing out-- as if something monumental would happen in the thick of the night.

Or I was too excited, too anxious to sleep, while in my mind, visions of future festivities swirled around... refusing to settle, even when I tried (and failed) to count sheep jumping over fences. I never understood that, anyway. It doesn't work.

As of late, it isn't the cheery things and memories and hopes that keep me up. I'm an adult, or something, now. It's my best guess, anyway, at an explanation for the stresses and worries that run through my mind in the silence that surrounds me when I power down and rest my head. There are times I'm tempted to turn on the TV and allow anonymous chatter to fill the background and the void, all the while lulling me off to a restless sleep with confusing dreams.

My point is this: as I grow, as year adds upon year in my young life, different things have begun to keep me up at night. Rather than fanciful dreams of what could be, what was, or what will never be (but wished it would)... I'm up at 3am thinking about how frustrated I am, and how sad I am over brokenness, over sin... yet I'm praising God for how good he is. How he is working in so many relationships in my life. How he is changing and growing and sharpening me. He stripped away big distractions... The Lord gives, and he takes away, and I am so content with his sovereignty. It seems impossible that I would be thankful for major changes that were not my choosing... oh but I am, by grace I can't even describe.

I'm just satisfied. I'm smiling. I'm pushing through, pressing on, persevering. Clinging to the hope I have in Jesus... knowing it is enough and yet one day there will be so much more.

Like Christmas Eve, I wait for the next coming of Christ-- in the fullness of knowledge that His coming will be much, much better than any childhood Christmas, which always included anxiety-induced vomiting on my part. I don't believe I will vomit on Jesus when he returns, but whose to say what his presence will cause in us?

Ha! I am loving life despite the giant questions and the leering pressures to figure it out.

Good night. :)

Determined to write something.

2010-09-29T00:39:00.004-05:00

Ah, nearly 6 months have passed since I last posted-- and even that wasn't a post that qualifies as anything unique, or perceptive, or significant. (By the way, it is thanks to this man that I am even writing: Scott Moore. I love writer-friends.) Anyway, it's after 1:00am, and I'm getting tired, but I am so full I have to let something out.

Where to begin but with my most overwhelming thought: God is good. Even in trials, in valleys, he is unchangeable and he is faithful. Tonight I was listening to music and facebooking, sitting cross-legged on my bed... and I found myself dancing. And I thought of the very verse that titles this blog: Psalm 30:11-12.

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart my sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever."

So much has transpired in 6 months. But I'm thrilled to say that God has removed distractions, and I am back. :)

TWLOHA

2010-04-14T12:04:00.004-05:00

Please Tweet: #AmericaWants @TWLOHA to get a full-page ad in USA TODAY.

NO, LA

2010-04-05T21:16:00.002-05:00

50 kids + 10 leaders + 32 hour round trip + 2 houses = my 'spring break'

Best. Week. Ever. It didn't even feel like work.

Harvest Bible Chapel Crystal Lake's high schoolers (and eighth graders) gave up their spring breaks to work on 2 houses that were affected by Katrina. I'm definitely not the first to say this, and I won't be the last, but man... what a spectacular city.

After a total of 2 hours of sleep on a 16 hour bus ride down, we spent Saturday (the 27th) hanging out and exploring the lower 9th ward. Our bus turned onto a dirt road next to the levy that broke during Katrina... what was meant to be a quick trip to the levy and a short tour of the lower 9th turned into almost a 3 hour adventure. We took a walk around the neighborhood, if you can even call it that. Most of the lots are still empty, and most of the lived-in, revamped houses are actually Brad Pitt's 'Make it Right 9' houses.

On Sunday we started working on our houses. 20 of us were at Ms. Banks' house gutting and roofing. The other 40 were at DeSoto 'Bobby' Jackson's house painting, insulating, and drywalling. The painters were on the outside of the house; my team was on the inside.

Who knew insulating and drywalling could be so... doable? Fun, even?

I'm still (3 weeks later) thinking about how I was affected by this trip. My number one goal was to be there for the students... and it was my favorite part of the week. Encouraging, supporting, talking, listening... having hard conversations and doing the hard things. God is in the hard things, too.

God is such a redeemer.

So proud of those kids...

Realign.

2010-04-04T21:12:00.003-05:00

My identity is in Christ, no doubt. I am confident in this, if nothing else. In many ways, I know exactly who I am and who I want to be... and I feel like I'm on my way there, but never alone. I'm a work in progress, and I cannot walk this road on my own. I have my God, I have close friends, and I have family. I am many things, but alone is not one of them.

Frustration is the only word to describe how I've been feeling lately. Mostly frustration at myself for 1-not being content with where God has me, and 2-not making time for myself like I used to. I've been neglecting most things I'm interested in, most things I'm passionate about. And then I get frustrated because 3-I'm entirely too hard on myself, and I say that because I really am doing a lot of things that are good and important and rewarding and definitely filled with passion.

Life is good- it's challenging, but definitely good. I seem to struggle with accepting that God wants me to be filled with joy. He wants me to enjoy the blessings he gives me, and they are not few.

The greatest blessing is, of course, the grace and salvation I have in him. It's fitting for me to say this today of all days, being Easter and all. He is risen indeed, just as he said. This changes everything. This is all that matters, and in it all things fall into place. His resurrection puts my life into perspective, it helps me align my priorities and plans with his. This is, after all, what matters most.

Maybe it's that I forget to stop and realign myself. It's important to take a step back from time to time. And that's what this semester has been all about for me. I took the semester off to re-evaluate... it has not gone the way I planned, but what ever goes according to plan in life?

Anyway... today was so celebratory, but being so close to the Redeemer and the Healer made it literally impossible for me to ignore what was going on in my heart... and so it ended up being kind of a hard day. But thankfully I have someone who proves to me that it is good to be open, good to trust another with my emotions and thoughts. He reminded me that I need to do something to work out my emotions and let them out... and that reminded me that I haven't been writing lately. Not in a journal, not in a blog, not in a word document. I also haven't been taking much interest in music lately, which is also kind of odd for me. I just haven't been making time for these things.

In the last couple of months, I've started letting people in when it comes to my writing, and on two separate and unrelated occasions, my passion for writing was noticed. I didn't even know I was so passionate about writing, because I've been sticking a cork in that bottle for a really long time. I do pride myself in my writing, but I don't allow myself to be vulnerable with my writing in a way that will challenge me and cause me to grow. I can write a blog, no problem... this doesn't take effort that challenges me. I need to start challenging myself and allowing myself to be challenged by others. Because I AM passionate about writing, and I need to start acting like it.

There are so many other things to say, but maybe next time. I hope to start blogging more regularly again. I miss those days...

"But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun!" Isaiah 43:18-19

2009-12-31T18:17:00.004-06:00

I don't want to choose one New Year's Resolution.

I am resolving to do many things this year. And I want to share them, and I want to be held to them.

Loving God, obeying him, even in the tough things.

Immediate confession when I know I have done wrong... instead of waiting around and avoiding. (Psalm 32)

Improved boundaries in relationships... say no when I mean no, and yes when I mean yes.

Learn to be 5 minutes early. All the time.

More communication of my emotions to trusted friends.

Establish a system of organization in my life-- at home, at work, in all things. A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Be more responsible with my finances... pay off credit card debt.

Being more intentional about my prayers, conversations, actions. Intentional listening.

Less of me, more of Him. John 3:30

Rely more on God's grace. He is El Shaddai, and I am so human. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Kaizen.

2009-12-14T23:45:00.006-06:00

I don't even know how to begin.

Life is transformational. Have I blogged about 'kaizen'? It is one of my favorite concepts, ever really. I mean, besides salvation, reconciliation, transformation, sanctification, etc...

Kaizen is a Japanese word that means 'continuous improvement.' How can I hear that word and not think of the work God does in me? In my last post I mentioned Romans 8:28... "And we know in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Kaizen. I am a work in progress, and thankfully God is on my side.

This work in progress is at once overwhelming, surprising, exciting.

Also entirely manageable when I involve God in the process... the one that he is guiding and working out for good... even when I'm not paying attention to him.

How awesome is the God we serve?

So, to move past ambiguities... a real update on what is going on in my life, mind, heart, soul...

I've learned that every job has its moments that suck. No job, like no person, is perfect. I'm not happy 100% of the time. Who really is? Recently my friend Jen from my small group joined our small workforce. We now have 7 staff members, 3 of which are full-time. I loved my job before, but I can't even explain what it is to have Jen there.

To explain, if you don't already know, I work for Families ETC now. Or Families Empowered To Change... ETC for short. As I was training Elena at Families ETC back in March (to June/July) to take over my TRAC responsibilities, the prospect of hiring me transpired. I was hired officially September 14th as the Evaluation Coordinator. I'm still in charge of the TRAC interviews, although I no longer conduct the interviews. I coordinate the process, but I don't make the phone calls or do the home visits. I miss going into families' homes and meeting them and listening to them, but I do not miss making the phone calls. They typically stress me out.

On top of coordinating TRAC, I also create the monthly report to send to our funders with all the numbers that matter to no one else. I'm in charge of making sure everyone collects and tracks the right data, formulating the report, and soon I will also be one of two lead facilitators for the Local Evaluation Team meeting that happens monthly. Pretty crazy, I'm like a real person now.

Funny thing about that is... I still haven't finished school. I'm 5 classes away from a Bachelor's degree, but I'm taking Spring semester off. A lot of thought and planning and prayer has gone into this... a lot of conversation too. There are several reasons, most of which I won't get into here.

There is one part that I'm absolutely excited about... I will have time to learn on my own terms, learn about the possibilities of my future, learn about the options I have and learn some more until I make a decision. It suddenly strikes me that I don't want to be plagued with the 'paralysis of analysis'... as often is my problem. I think and I think and I think and I think some more... with no time to act, no energy to decide, no strength to choose. It's a cycle, it reoccurs often in my life.

So-- many decisions will be made in the coming months. I mean, I have to grow up sometime. I'm going to be 24... I should probably stop putting it off.

I have decisions to make.

But regardless of the direction, God is still good.

And I am still continuously improving.

Kaizen with God's strength, direction, and will.

I never said my thankies.

2009-12-14T23:21:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving was almost 3 weeks ago and I never posted a blog about what I am thankful for... eek. I am thankful, I honestly am, absolutely.

This year I am most thankful for my friends who are like family, and my family who have become my friends. I am so blessed by my church family, by those who know me really really well and accept me anyways. That is true love. I'm thankful for true love in my life.

Specifically, I am thankful for my best friend, who I need so much in my life.

I am thankful for my small group, who I'm only beginning to know and loving more and more every day.

I am thankful for my favorite high school girls, who encourage me and inspire me more than they know!

I'm thankful for friends who listen, who accept me, who don't judge, who challenge me to be more.

I am thankful for the experience of counseling, for the changes my counselor incited in me.

I am thankful for my job, for the best coworkers, for a place to use my gifts and find new ones and learn things college will never teach me.

I'm thankful for spiritual direction, Sue is a wise and godly woman.

I'm thankful for wise women in my life-- such examples!

I'm thankful for my family of course: for a mom who loves unconditionally, supports unashamedly and vehemently, and follows Christ unapologetically. for a dad who makes me think as often as he makes me mad, who challenges me, who listens, who shares his advice (even when I don't want to hear it), and who is usually right. for a brother who is just like me, better in some ways, and cooler in even more... who gives up being home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his birthday to do his job, to fight for freedom, to protect me and you here at home. (He's a stronger, more selfless person than I.)

I'm thankful for so much more.

For Jesus, for grace and hope and mercy.

For transformation.

For Romans 8:28.

For unfailing love.

For Romans 8:37.

For Psalm 25:3.

For truth.

For growth, pain.

For Revelation.

For a God who redeems.

For Elohim who is also El Roi.

Getting the itch to blog more often.

2009-11-29T19:02:00.002-06:00

I realize I need to post a 2009 Thankies blog. It's coming. I've been thinking about it. Sadly, I don't think anyone asked me what I'm thankful for this year, but I am thankful.

Especially after hearing Pastor James' message this morning about... thankfulness.

Psalm 107:8 (NKJV)

Oh, that men would give thanks to the LORD for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men!

Soon, I will post my thankies. Maybe tonight after dinner/homework/laundry/packing.

How about some bullet points?

2009-11-03T02:43:00.002-06:00

I haven't blogged in a really long time, but a lot of things are going on.

-I have been going to counseling for the last 5 months, much less often now.

-Spiritual direction this semester, too.

-I'm taking 2 classes now: conflict transformation studies, and behavioral neuroscience.

-I love them both.

-I'm working for Families ETC now, not the Mental Health Board.

-I work 25 hours a week.

-I'm still a leader for high school youth group at church.

-I'm in a small group.

-My group of friends is shifting.

-I quit drinking.

-I'm living in active obedience to God.

-I'm sold out for the first time in my life. Maybe second.

-I'm so so blessed.

-My brother is leaving for Afghanistan in a few weeks.

-I did 6 loads of laundry in the last 3 days, and I still have 3 to do. I have too many clothes.

-I miss my friends from Lincoln.

-I really need accountability.

-I'm still a perfectionist.

-I'm an anxious person.

-I'm really forthcoming about my weaknesses... this is new.

-I am peaceful, hopeful, and joyful.

-I am experiencing the pains of growth.

More soon/later.

"But I must confess that I am not afraid of the word 'tension.'" - Martin Luther King, Jr.

2009-08-31T00:04:00.004-05:00

I want to be comfortable in tension. I don't easily feel awkward. I can confront situations. I don't enjoy confrontations, conflicts... who really does? Who enjoys addressing the hard issues of life? We'd all like, I believe, for life to be conflict-free, for perfection to reign, for our city of residency to be the Garden of Eden. Screw sin, screw pain, discomfort, struggle, fear, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion. No one enjoys those things. But we insisted upon their existence. Now we must take responsibility and take action. We have to DO SOMETHING about it.

Even though we'd like to live without conflicts, we still have to see the necessity of them. Conflicts have the ability to move us forward. They stretch us. They better us. They test us. (Or God does, through them.) Conflicts, many times, are iron sharpening iron. Not always, but sometimes.

Sometimes conflicts are simply evil tempting us, attacking us, trying to ruin us. But there is even good to be sought in this. We can better ourselves by fleeing, by resting in the victory already won at Calvary, by relying on grace and strength that is not our own to carry us through. Conflicts are opportunities for greatness to abound, to be realized.

All this is not to minimize the reality of the pain conflicts typically cause. People are broken. Good people are seduced by evil things. People do horrible things sometimes, but that doesn't always mean they are horrible people. People screw up, daily, even by the moment. If at any moment we take power and control for ourselves, away from the All-knowing God who is better at His job than we are... if for one moment we shift our focus from Him to us, we put ourselves in danger of hurting God, others, and ourselves.

But people - broken people - can be redeemed. Not all will choose the love and grace and redemption that is possible through Jesus Christ. No, many won't. The path is narrow and the number are few who find it.

Change is possible. Redemption is possible. So we cling on to hope - the hope that is the anchor to our souls, keeping us firm and secure.

I need to more often rest in the tension of conflict so that I can be changed by it, so I can discover opportunities for greatness, so I can attempt to turn another person's eyes upward and onward to the truth. To the Father. To redemption.

Where to begin?

2009-07-27T00:30:00.002-05:00

So many thoughts are swirling around in my brain. There was a time when that overwhelmed me, when those thoughts were consumed with negativity, laced with pain and fear and shame. Not today though. Today I don't know where to begin, so maybe I won't for now. Maybe for now I'll get some needed rest, I'll let these thoughts settle and nest and become part of me.

I'm content. I'm excited. I'm peaceful.

2009-07-03T09:27:00.001-05:00

"I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a shit. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night."

Tony Campolo

The Risk/Benefit Ratio

2009-06-03T18:17:00.003-05:00

In the last year, all I've heard about is evaluating the risk/benefit ratio in terms of conducting research and considering the ethical issues involved in experimentation and in practice. And I'm blessed to say I hear it from both school and work - I'm fortunate to be working in the field of mental health before I've even earned a BA.

I'm in the middle of completing Northwestern University's Institutional Review Board training. Most of today has been devoted to it, and I'm about 75% done. Again, I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I've read about the potential risks and benefits a research study might infer. I'm almost annoyed.

When a researcher wants to propose an experiment or study, the IRB has to approve it after reviewing several factors, one of which being the risk/benefit ratio. In other words, the potential benefits to the research subjects has to outweigh the potential risks, and any risks that exist must be minimal.

For me everything is related to everything, so it should be no surprise that my personal life parallels my academic and professional life.

Relationships have a certain element of risk/benefit ratio. That's nothing new, right? When you meet someone, you assess the pros and cons of being with that person. At some point, you must decide: am I willing to take the risk of getting hurt in order to gain the possibility of finding the love of my life?

The moment of that decision comes at a different point for each of us. Some people need to answer that question from the get-go. Others take weeks, maybe months to consider the weight of that commitment. For some, the idea of love is absolutely frightening, and to talk about it or even think about it so soon is ridiculous.

A friend of mine once told me that if you're not ready to hurt again, you're not ready to love again.

Because there's always an element of risk.

So we ask ourselves: do the benefits outweigh the risks?

I don't know.

Has the good become the enemy of the great?

I don't know.

I want an IRB for relationships. I'll write a relationship proposal, and a group of reviewers can approve the relationship based on the risk/benefit ratio, informed consent, and any other ethical or methodological issues that may exist. Ha. Unfortunately relationships are far more complicated than research studies.

Would you create in me a pure heart, O God?

2009-05-16T12:42:00.003-05:00

By far one of my favorite chapters of the Bible: Psalm 51. It's David's cry to God after Nathan called him out about taking Bathsheba for himself. I like it because it reminds me that David is not perfect, he made mistakes, and yet God still calls him a man after His own heart. It reminds me that God not only accepts us and forgives us and loves us after we have sinned, but he also continues to help us, guide us, and build us up. He does not leave us alone to deal with our sin. If we come to him in humility and repentance, he will give us strength to overcome.

Ah, just so good.

So, read 2 Samuel 11 and 12.

And then read Psalm 51.

Then listen to this song.

But hurry, because the link is only good for a week.

Dear Kennedy Expressway, I am too busy talking to God to obey your signs to reduce speed and your shouts to stay in my lane.

2009-05-14T00:16:00.010-05:00

I started my summer class on Monday for May term. I absolutely love this class, so the fact that I'm stuck in a window-less classroom for 4 hours a day hardly fazes me. The class is Learning and Cognition. I love the topic, the conversation, the professor.

No chance in the world I'd ever regret transferring to North Park. I mean, I know I'm going to be in school for a total of one million years, but whatever, right? Better late than never, and I'm late all the time. Not that I'm ok with being late all the time, because I'm not. I hate being late. Sometimes I'll skip the event altogether to avoid the embarrassment I feel at arriving late. Oh and let me tell you, the embarrassment is overwhelming sometimes. Debilitating, really.

The other day I was driving to school to take a couple final exams. I hadn't studied much for one of them, I didn't finish a project that was due, I felt completely unprepared, and I was going to be 5-10 minutes late to my first final, depending on traffic. I didn't want to go. At all. I was flirting with the idea of skipping, but the consequences of that were too great to bear. The entire drive to class, I drove in silence. I prayed and prayed, nothing short of begging God to carry me through the day. Sometimes I am prideful, but I am not above asking God for help I cannot give myself.

I ended up reading through several chapters of Psalms, yes while I was on the Kennedy driving into the city. I live on the wild side.

It's unbelievable and somehow surprising the way God changes hearts and lives and moments. But I'll tell you, he has done some major working in my life in the last several days. And I'll be honest, I've made some of the stupidest decisions of my life in those same days.

Even now I struggle to stick to the lines I've drawn for myself, to the boundaries God has called me to mind. I get why being human is so dang hard... but really, I don't.

I have to make do with what I've got. And I've got nothing at all, yet I have more than I could have ever imagine possible.

Bizarre Dreams.

2009-04-22T07:50:00.003-05:00

I have no idea how it started, but there I stood, on the front doorstep of my exboyfriend's house. At some point before I consciously entered the dream, I had spoken with his older brother, and we planned to go biking together.

Why? I have no idea.

So I ring the doorbell, his mom answers, and she welcomes me in. The last thing I expected was a warm welcome from her, but that is what I found. We made small talk and it was pleasant and it was so good to be received by her again.

We heard footsteps down the stairs, and I was hoping and praying it was the older brother, but it wasn't. The last thing I wanted was for the exboyfriend to see me standing there, in his house, waiting for his brother. I recognized the audacity of such a move.

Down the exboyfriend came, around the corner he turned. He saw me and instantly began shouting expletives at me, telling me to leave him alone and never speak to him again. I stood silently, not flinching, not responding, just waiting. A minute later his brother came down, and out the door we went.

I'm not sure where the exboyfriend went. He disappeared after that point. The older brother and the mom and I walked outside, and we discussed where we were biking. To my surprise, he wanted to drive down to West Chicago and bike to Lincoln Park in the city.

We drove separately, for some reason, myself in the lead. I stopped at my house first to change clothes and grab my dad's GPS. When I emerged from my house, the older brother yelled at me for taking too long.

Back on the road is when I woke up. I never made it to West Chicago, never mounted by bike. I should think it an interesting experience, albeit unreal and nonexistent.

Thank God for that, anyway. Though close in proximity, my house and his, in all other contexts we are quite, quite distant, and I am certainly okay with that.

Learning... a lot.

2009-04-19T22:33:00.002-05:00

I don't have a huge amount of time right now to write a full blog. Or possibly I just don't feel like it right now? I dunno.

God is teaching me so so much, every moment. I'm blessed to have moments when I'm faced the other direction and still He shows me grace and mercy and somehow I survive. On His strength, not mine.

I wish I could sit down and tell you all of the things I am learning, face-to-face. I wish you could experience the immense amount of joy and peace and hope I'm experiencing, even in the wake of imperfections and mistakes.

Oh, how I struggle with the reality of my imperfection, but even now I choose instead to revel in His perfect and holy name - Elohim, El Elyon, my sovereign Creator.

2009-04-16T10:52:00.001-05:00

I'm blogging from my phone!

Complementarianism? So far, I like.

2009-03-29T16:43:00.004-05:00

I started reading a book today online called Reviving Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. I'm only halfway through the foreword, and I'm already recommending it.

You can read the entire book for free here.

The foreword is addressed to single men and women, and so far, I feel extremely encouraged. I'm eager to see what else Piper and Grudem have to say.

Thanks to Mark Driscoll for tweeting about it! (Follow him on Twitter: www.twitter.com/PastorMark)

God provokes creativity in airports, on airplanes, in the wide open skies.

2009-03-21T14:38:00.005-05:00

In the last week, I finished reading Choke by Chuck Palahnuik, started and finished The Devil and Miss Prym by Paulo Coelho, and started Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Many thoughts are circulating in this brain of mine, in this heart of mine, and hopefully some of what I am about to share will spark something in yours.

I know I could easily get what I want - what my body or flesh wants. I could easily betray myself and God and my faith and my future husband. I'm resolving to choose against that. I'm choosing to not use my body to fill a space in my heart that can only be filled, first and foremost, by God, and secondly, eventually, by my future love.

I'm learning not to rely on my emotions for answers. My emotions may tell me - YES! YES! Let him sweep you off your feet, just so you can have one night to believe the world revolves around the two of you, to hope it's not a dream, to forget about the terror and fear and turmoil all about you.

But then, echoing out from the shadows, from the depths of the deepest caves, comes a solitary voice, the Spirit's voice, in conjunction with the conscience, shouting, NO! NO! Do not give yourself away, do not believe the lies, do not be swept away by falsehood and empty words, but instead guard that which you seek to fill, wait till the perfect moment for which you yearn, be filled with the love of Christ that compells you. Resist, repel, release the negative emotions and lies that will cause you harm, not good. Remember that your heart truly is the wellspring of life, and reflect on the times you gave in, remind yourself of the pain and deepened sadness and emptiness that has ensued as a result of giving in to immediate gratification!

There is a tension, a conflict of good and evil, waging war in my mind, and in my heart, and though I am a sinner at my worst, I am redeemed by Christ's love at my best, and though I struggle to do what is right and what is good, I draw strength from the Lord who defeated death, and I choose to do what is good, because it is best for all, and it is pleasing to the One whom I serve.

*Note: This blog is not about sex.

Sick.

2009-03-17T21:18:00.000-05:00

Head Sways and Hands to Chest Galore from Behind the Scenes on Vimeo.

I don't know what this blog is going to be about.

2009-03-17T19:56:00.002-05:00

I just ate over half a box of Girl Scout cookies. I don't have any slightest idea why.

I've been not blogging/writing at all lately, probably because I'm being avoidant.

I used to accuse other people of being avoidant. I realize now that I'm just as guilty at times.

Reasons to avoid thinking/facing/writing/dealing:

1. It sucks

2. It hurts

3. It makes you feel like crap

4. It makes you feel guilty for being so focused on yourself

5. It makes you feel emo

6. It makes you feel ashamed for seeming emo

7. It makes you isolate yourself because you feel so lame

8. It makes you depressed because you're isolated

9. It makes your friends wonder what is wrong with you

10. It makes your friends maybe get mad at you because you won't tell them what's wrong

Those are reasons why I ate all those cookies.

But today I had a good day with God. I went to Veterans Acres in Crystal Lake and tried to roast my skin in the beautiful weather. =) Actually I just think a nice base sunburn makes a person look healthier and more attractive.

So I went to VA and had every intention of journaling about something that would allow me to avoid talking to God about the things I actually need to talk to him about. I'm really good at pretending that God doesn't know what's really going on in my heart and in my mind. I'm not so good at convincing him, as I am with the people around me.

I sat down on a bench and reached for my journal and a pen. Searched some more for a pen. Dug around for a pen. Unloaded my purse for a pen. I came up empty-handed: no pen.

All the while, God and I are having this conversation about what I'm going to do if I can't find a pen. I'm telling God, ya know I'm gonna have to walk back up to the car to get a pen, I really need to journal, I need to talk about things, I need to tell you about how stupid guys are, etc. And God's like, well maybe you should just stop worrying about telling me things I already know and put your nose in my Word and listen to what I have to say to you today, and I'm like, well I don't know, and God's like, if you journal first, you won't leave time to deal with what really is at the heart of the issue, if you journal first, you'll word-vomit all over me and think that is sufficient quality time with me and leave me to clean up your vom. So I'm like ok, no pen, you're right, I'll read the Bible instead.

And here I sit, once again avoiding.

A year goes by pretty quick.

2009-03-04T00:12:00.002-06:00

Flashback, one year ago.

Laying in bed, cuddling with Harry Potter, as it were.

Call one. Call two.

Tears.

I never knew what it was to cling onto Jesus and hope and peace and love until that day. So much good has come from such overwhelming heartbreak, pain, confusion.

I miss my grandpa... so much. But I will see him again.

This is what I wrote for his funeral:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes knowing the creator of something deepens your appreciation for it. When I see a beautiful sunset, or a breathtaking view of the ocean, or the expanse of the sky filled with millions of stars, I can’t help but think of its Creator.

Sometimes knowing the creator of something deepens your appreciation for it.

Or the beauty of love, service, commitment, community, relationship… God created it all.

Sometimes knowing the creator of something deepens your appreciation for it.

It’s the same way with people too. We are the handiwork of God, created in His image. How highly then should we value one another?

I think this is something Grandpa understood well. He dedicated himself to being available for whatever we needed, whether it was a back rub, a special trip to the gas station for scratch-off lottery tickets, or a new baseball mitt. Not once did he complain or expect anything in return. In fact, more than anything, he smiled, he laughed, wrinkles formed around his eyes. His laughter was contagious, no matter the circumstance – especially if it resulted from one of his infamous jokes. You know, the ones that can’t be funny unless Grandpa tells them. He was exceptional at making us laugh and making sure we were comfortable and had everything we needed.

He worked hard at being the man he was, both at home and at work. He became our ‘man of steel,’ providing strength, stability, and dependability to his family, as husband, father, and grandfather, and to the city of Chicago as an ironworker.

Iron has been referred to as the ‘steel skeleton’ of a building. Its unseen strength holds the structure together and reinforces its durability. How fitting that Grandpa spent his life as an ironworker…

Iron has become a metaphor for his character and his personality. He was the quiet strength, the reinforcement of durability, the source of our resiliency, the ‘steel skeleton’ of our family. And God has wonderfully passed those traits down to each of us… Grandpa’s six grandchildren. We are resilient. We are strong. We have steel pumping through our veins.

We will miss Grandpa, but we will honor his memory by mirroring his strength, his gentleness, his helpful spirit. We’ll stick together, we’ll help and support each other, and we’ll follow his lead in uniting our family. And when we venture into the city, we can appreciate the skyline knowing his hands worked to create it.

Because sometimes, knowing the creator of something deepens your appreciation for it.

Grandpa James W. Finney
July 11, 1940- March 4, 2008

"Grandpa, Man of Steel."
© March 10, 2008

I realized what my favorite part of life is.

2009-02-27T11:50:00.003-06:00

Besides Jesus, of course.

It's the people.

Which is obvious.

But even more than that...

My favorite part of life is that brief interaction with someone.

Someone you hardly know.

But someone who teaches you something.

Somehow, without even knowing, this person pushes you to a new level of understanding.

That understanding is sometimes related to faith, work, school, maturity...

It can really be anything.

But it is always a life-altering moment,

A moment you may never forget.

So, I met Jamie from TWLOHA last night.

2009-02-14T14:20:00.004-06:00

Last night at Willow Creek, Jamie did a unique interview about To Write Love On Her Arms, about his own faith and spirituality, about his own struggles. As part of a new series being put on by Axis, the 20something group at Willow, the interview began (or continued, for some people) an ongoing conversation about spirituality, which includes the topics of hope, community, pain, love. Most of what Jamie said I had heard before, in blogs and in videos and through other people.

What I didn't realize were his own struggles. I guess when we put someone up on a pedestal, when someone becomes the face to represent hundreds of thousands of people, we celebritize them (yes I just made that word up), and that's probably equal to idolatry. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Afterwards, I was able to talk to him for a few minutes, but it was nothing significant or monumental or even worth transcribing. I guess all I will say that he was friendly and somehow manages to be encouraging without saying much. But last night taught me that he is human and he's not perfect and while I see great potential in all people, I cannot expect them to be perfect.

Last night also reminded me that I'm not exempt from the need and the call to love and be loved, to know and to be known. Community is not just for the least, or for the most, or for the in betweeners. Life is all about relationships, and we should not be alone.

I need others to help me grow.
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

I need others to build me up.
"Instead, speaking truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." Ephesians 4:15-16

I love that - "as each part does its work." It says so much about how a community should function. The sad part is that most communities do not work the way they're meant to, because communities are full of people who are broken and who make mistakes.

"Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption."
Psalm 130:7

There are so many things I would like to talk about.

2009-02-12T13:31:00.004-06:00

Who knows where this blog will end up.

First, a word or two about WinterFest. I was a cabin counselor for seven sophomore girls for the weekend. On the bus ride there, which lasted approximately 5 hours, my girls were the loudest on the bus. My thoughts ran something like this: "God, you better have something awesome planned this weekend." I wasn't sure I was ready for whatever God was about to throw at me, but I knew He wouldn't leave me hanging.

We had a GREAT weekend. I'm not sure the total number of students, but we had 4 Coach buses full of students and leaders from the Crystal Lake and Elgin campuses of Harvest Bible Chapel. God was present and he was moving and he changed a lot of hearts. He showed up and he made himself known.

All of my girls reached a moment of breakdown, of helplessness, of complete abandon of themselves. They each had moments of realization. I heard things like, "I actually want to be different." "I want to stop sneaking out." "I want to stick to it." "I want to quit doing ____."

Remember those days? Remember the days when, as a teenager, God felt so good and faith seemed so easy, yet our friends seemed cooler and more fun? I remember that. I remember being 16 and wanting to be different but not knowing how to be.

It makes me wonder what I was missing, what I needed to help me, what could have brought me up in the faith in a stronger, firmer way.

When I stop and look at my life, at who I am right now, and the things I'm doing, I wonder what happened to me. And I say this to mean that God came in and interrupted my life and wrecked my faith and changed my desires so radically that I don't want the same things for my life that I once did.

I'm so busy these days I rarely have time to sit and write a blog. Classes are going well, really well in fact. Work is going well. Everything seems to be falling into place lately, which I find is no coincidence.

I'm blessed beyond comprehension. That's all I can really say.

Psalm 16:5-6
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Camp Harvest.

2009-02-09T22:49:00.003-06:00

I just spent three days with nearly 200 high schoolers in Newaygo, Michigan, at Camp Harvest.

On Friday I met seven sophomore girls.

On Sunday I left with seven beautiful little sisters.

God called and they answered. I'm humbled to be part of God's work, part of their lives.

More later.

Then the girl with one brain says, "You make no sense." (I am in love with this song.)

2009-01-21T23:21:00.004-06:00

I like this song.

2009-01-21T23:04:00.001-06:00

It's simple: This is awesome.

2009-01-21T22:27:00.003-06:00

I'm failing in the worst way.

2009-01-18T15:30:00.006-06:00

This day is not perfect, as no things in this world are, but it has been touched by grace and hope and love, and it has been redeemed. Each moment has the potential for redemption.

I praise Thee for redemption.

I'm learning what it means to truly be alone with God. My Utmost For His Highest is inspired and inspiring. It's such a great way to jumpstart my intimate moments with God. He asks such challenging questions. He proposes new ways of thinking about spirituality.

Last Sunday Pastor James started his series about trials. He said last week that we are disciplined by God to challenge and change our conduct and our character. I like that he didn't suggest that changing one will absolutely change the other. I think they definitely can affect each other, but one does not necessarily follow the other. They can be used and changed together, but they must be addressed and tweaked and transformed individually too. I think that is really important, and I think a lot of people miss that piece.

Many times in the past, and probably not too distantly, I just focused on either what I was doing OR who I was. Most of the time, I'd argue, I have focused on my character, improving areas of my life and witnessing the Spirit's work in my spiritual life and emotional life and thought life. The hardest part of being a Christian, at least for me, is letting that overflow into my actions. But by preventing an outpouring of Christ's love through me, I'm in effect disobeying what I'm called to do in the first place.

I feel responsible to act different and above reproach.

It's scary being so different in a world so cruel. In a place where I'm slandered, hated, ignored, hurt, rejected. In a place where my hopes are lifted only to be dashed, manipulated, walked all over. I'm daily lied to. No one is forthcoming these days, it seems. The truth seems to elude us all.

A simple survey of recent people in my life and yours might prove my point.

Guy #1 spreads lies about you.
Guy #2 doesn't stand up for you to debunk the falsehoods.
#3 you just met, he wants to get to know you, but he fails to mention his girlfriend who is too young to join him in his nightly escapades.
Person #4 is the bartender who just scammed your friend on drink prices.
#5 might be your friend who claims to support you against #1, but in reality, maybe she's sleeping with him.

Joke's on them. We already know they're liars.

But the Truth is what keeps me here, keeps me in love, keeps me compassionate. The pursuit of Truth brings us together, makes us one and the same, #1-5 and myself. The only thing that separates us is that I found it and they are all rejecting it.

Which begs the question...

How dare I hold my own pride, reputation, acceptance over their souls? How dare I cling so tightly to the things Jesus so gracefully sacrificed to be with me, to be with the Father?

I am a wretched being but I am redeemed and the Lord is gracious and merciful.

I still have no idea how to be a light. How to love my enemies. How to turn the other cheek.

Be perfect, therefore, as your Father is perfect... Matthew 5:48.

I'm failing in the worst way. Thank God for Jesus.

Thank God for trials.

Thank God for times of preparation. I feel that I am in that phase even now.

Wow, wrestle with this one. Are you the worst sinner you know?

2009-01-17T15:51:00.001-06:00

Ugh, the code to embed the video I want to share isn't working.

Go here to watch a really perplexing video.

And read Pastor James MacDonald's response to it.

Reflecting.

2009-01-17T14:16:00.004-06:00

In my journal, I repeatedly mention how much I love to revisit past entries. I'll sit for hours reading my own writing as if it's the hottest thing on the bookstore shelves. It's such a blessing to be able to look back at how God is changing me. I can't imagine a life without this relationship.

I don't know where I come up with half the things I write. I surprise myself sometimes, and then when I think about it a little more, I'm not surprised at all because I recognize God's outpouring of love and creativity and art through me. The written word can be art, and art is an expression of who I am, who God is, and the love passed from him to me and through me to others.

Anyway.

Yesterday I missed the train to go home. Some of this blog was written while I was waiting at McDonald's across the street from the Jefferson Park station because it was 5 degrees outside and I refused to wait an hour out there for the next train.

I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I wonder what they think.

Am I funny looking?
Normal looking?
Do they think my hat looks silly?
Do they think my pants look funny stuffed into my boots like they are?
Do they find it odd that I'm always journaling?

I never see other people writing. I'm always the only one. Most places have at least one. I guess I'm always it, so I don't get to see others. Or maybe I'm so absorbed in self, my thoughts, my dreams, my observations, that I fail to notice those around me. I don't think that's really true of me, though. I feel pretty attuned to the people around me.

I read My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers pretty much everyday. I'm not sure if I disagree or if I'm intensely challenged or just oppositional. The last couple days talked about being called by God. It said that the call upon our lives by God has nothing to do with our temperaments or our plans or our personal desires. I understand that I am nothing in comparison to my God. I fully accept that God knows me better than I know myself. I accept that there is a bigger picture, and I am a mere pixel in the mural. I am here to be used by God for his glory. I get all those things. God knows what is best for me and sometimes what I want is only going to harm me. Okay, sure. Got it.

But I can't grasp right now that God gives no consideration to the uniqueness of my personality and temperament and desires. I get that I have to deny myself - as in, my flesh, my sin - and follow Jesus. But what about the rest of who I am that has been redeemed? I can't fathom the idea that I am God's puppet, directed and controlled and completely ignored otherwise.

I can't even fully communicate all of the thoughts I have about this.

Maybe I disagree with Mr. Oswald Chambers.
Maybe I'm just rebelling against God's sovereignty.
Maybe I'm stubbornly refusing to accept this truth, because it is my nature to oppose.

Either way, the only thing I can do is express my discontent, communicate my confusion. If I don't tell God I'm struggling, will he necessarily teach me?

If I don't ask the questions, is he going to answer them?

Another semester.

2009-01-12T23:20:00.004-06:00

I started classes again today. Sometimes I wonder what life will be like when I don't have things such as Syllabus Days and my ritualistic habit of filling my calendars out and adjusting to new schedules. What am I going to do when one day I wake up and day after day is the same thing? Ew. I don't want that. I don't want that life, America, I'm sorry.

But I'm not really sorry.

I'm learning to say no, to stand up, and to not apologize for it.

I guess when I think about the opposite of Corporate America, monotony, boredom, disgust, I don't know how I'll ever get anywhere. But why do I want to "get anywhere?" What does that even mean? Where am I trying to go?

Recently a new job opportunity has been dropped on my desk. Desk. I don't even want a desk. I don't want an office, but secretly it makes me feel cool that I have my own office with my name on the door and if I don't want to talk to anyone and I just want to daydream or just read case notes for the heck of it I can close my door and no one will bother me. And that makes me feel like an adult.

Can you see the tension between wanting success as the world presents it, and wanting to reject it and run after something else more meaningful and significant?

But who says the two have to be polar opposites? Why can't we make a difference, do something significant and meaningful, succeed at it, be the best at it?

Well I suppose it depends on why we want to do it.

Do we want to honor God with our lives?

I don't always want to. But today I do.

But that still doesn't give me the answers to what I should do this summer. I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm not ready to know the answers yet.

I guess I'm in a YouTube mood.

2009-01-09T03:04:00.001-06:00

We sang this at Connect tonight. Every time, it is so good. It's just one of those songs that grabs me. No matter where I'm at, how I'm feeling, how I'm failing.

I think I like her but this song is kind of depressing.

2009-01-09T01:48:00.000-06:00

You're awesome slash you're fired.

2009-01-07T17:37:00.000-06:00

Liars.

2009-01-07T14:15:00.002-06:00

I have never in my life had someone hate me so much. Never has anyone spread lies about me.

But you know what really makes me sad? I wonder if he believes the lies he spreads. So far immersed into the lies, he might not be able to decipher between the truth and the falsities he spews.

So disgusted am I by the time I spent with him. For him. Behind him, supporting him in all things.

I've learned to let go of the past. I know the truth, and those who matter know the truth, and the One who really matters, he knows.

I'm beginning to wonder if this will ever end. I'm starting to believe that it never will.

Last night, when he walked past me, his eyes were glued to the floor, his head tucked to his chest.

The world tells me I should revel in my apparent victory. In the fact that I'm ok and he is not, that I have forgiven and he has not, that I've accepted reality and he has not.

Somehow I can't do that. I've tried tried tried to understand what is going on. Somehow a part of me yearns for reconciliation, despite the pain, despite the bruises and wounds and scars. I have been restored, and I want him to be too.

But I can't be the one to do that. I can't be that for him. He chooses hatred, I choose love, and the two will not mix.

You're already stealing from me, love.

2008-12-29T01:19:00.003-06:00

I read an article tonight about dating, and it said this:
3. Be captivated
"I often tell my patients (not to mention family and friends) that finding and sustaining love is like acquiring a piece of art. We should wait to be struck and captivated. But all too often we walk around with our pre-crafted 'frame' — or idea of whom we belong with — desperately trying to fit someone into it.

"So in 2009, throw away your mental checklist of what you're looking for and keep a truly open mind—you might be surprised at who truly clicks with you."
– Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation

I have the idea of the perfect man for me in my mind and I do walk around looking for that person who will fit the mold, complete the picture.

I also am waiting to be captivated. I have been twice recently. But I don't have either of their phone numbers, nor do I know when (or if) I will see either of them again.

I'm just waiting, that's all I can do.

Rediscovered.

2008-12-28T23:57:00.003-06:00

Anyone remember Joy Williams?

She's good.

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's trying to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

I especially like her new stuff.
myspace.com/joywilliamsmusic

I think everyone should read this book.

2008-12-26T15:18:00.002-06:00

I think that secret is yours.

2008-12-24T03:50:00.002-06:00

We've all done it. We read PostSecret and think we spot one whose owner is one we know. Or knew. One of those. In the hustle and bustle of this holiday season, I forgot to look at this week's PostSecret. Or actually Winter beat my ISP's ass, and I couldn't get online for two days. One of those.

Anyway, I looked tonight and one of them... ah I just can't shake the handwriting or really even the secret itself. It's too fitting, too... true. (Sadly, it probably is true, even if someone else sent it.) Now I know you want to know which secret I think I recognize, or whose secret I think it is. But why would I reveal that?

So I searched my room for evidence of the handwriting in question, but I came up empty-handed.

I did end up finding a Christmas card from my grandpa that brought me to tears.

And I perused a box of pictures stashed on the top shelf of my closet.

As I stepped off the "ladder" aka a 24" bookshelf, well, my fat ass broke the bookshelf. A screw ripped into my pants (my man pants! my gray sweats! favorite comfy pants of all time!), I have scrapes and scratches, and I think I hit my head. There are splinters of wood everywhere. I didn't clean it up. I was too mad.

I get angry when I hurt myself.

I enjoyed looking through the pictures. I threw a lot of them away. I forgot some of them even existed. Most of them were from high school. I don't remember the last time I used a 35mm camera or developed a roll of film. Weird to think about in this age of digital everything. Even TV. My TV will be rendered useless on February 17th. Bullshit, that's what I say. Useless. Can't even sell it. Who would want to buy it?

This is a blog of rambling. I hope you're used to it by now.

I've been considering my future lately. This summer I'm going to do something different. Get out of McHenry. Do something purposeful.

My options are:
-Internship with TWLOHA in Cocoa, FL.
-Internship with Denver Rescue Mission in... Denver, CO.
-Internship with TOMS Shoes in Santa Monica, CA.

I'm praying and listening and pondering. We'll see where I'm lead. Where I'm accepted. What ways my plans are changed (God).

My secret is that I don't give a shit where I go. Where I'm lead. I care about one thing mostly, not all the time like I should, but mostly. I care about loving Jesus. Oh and I care about people too. I just want to be the change, cliche as it is. Just a light, a tiny little light in the darkness. I think I can do that, but not on my own, no not on my own.

2008-12-15T12:25:00.002-06:00

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot

Book title, yeah?

2008-12-12T11:10:00.002-06:00

Would you read a book titled, "If You Have a Penis, I Don't Want To Talk To You Right Now"? Because I think I want to write that book.

This season of my life is filled with strangely enticing phrases that greatly inspire me.

I'm so overwhelmed (in a good way) by recent happenings. I'm learning so much. I don't even know where to begin.

It's Christmas time. I'm so happy to be alive.

Do itttt.

2008-12-12T10:33:00.001-06:00

If you have a penis, I don't want to talk to you right now.

2008-12-08T23:52:00.003-06:00

Can I share something with you that I wrote in my journal?

"Lord, thank you for keeping me single. I pray that you would just keep it that way."

I wrote that on November 21st.

Right now I'm either being tested, or God answered that prayer with a huge, resounding NO.

The funny thing is that through all the bullshit and distractions I see one face that I actually want.

I am confused.

Getting the plank out.

2008-12-06T09:52:00.004-06:00

What is the point of working out? For some people, to get in shape. To lose weight. To fit into that favorite pair of jeans from before the freshman 15. To get a date. To gain attention from the opposite sex. To improve health. Decrease blood pressure. Elongate life. Lots of reasons.

As a product of my society, I care so much, too much in fact, about the weight. About the number. IT'S JUST A NUMBER. But so is the size of my jeans. Weight loss and size drops are the only semi-immediate results from working out. Even they take some time.

I'm realizing how bound I am to instant gratification. If I can't see immediate results, I don't want to do it. If I ask God for something, and he tells me to wait, I want to do it myself.

Which boils down to control. I want to have control. I want to do things my way.

And that begs the question... do I really trust God?

These are some of the things I'm working through.

Also... Pride. Loneliness. Perfectionism (that's a big one). Self-criticism. Self-worth.

I've come to understand that these are the things behind my supposed lack of motivation for school. It's not that I'm lazy. It's not that I'm unmotivated. It's that I'm imprisoned, trapped, bogged down, overwhelmed, and taken hostage by other issues much greater than motivation. I've had the motivation all along. I've just been praying for the wrong thing.

I've asked God to give me motivation time and time again. Over and over and over and over - what is wrong with me? Why can't I just do well? Why can't I be motivated? Please take this from me.

There have been many moments where I succeeded and improved. I thought coming to North Park would be different. That I'd be a different, better student. I was essentially running from my problems, hoping I would leave them behind in Lincoln. I should have known better than to believe something so silly.

I don't remember where or when or who said this, but I remember hearing someone say that God is not going to remove an issue from your life if it is the one thing that will cause you to depend on him. Does that make sense? I mean, first of all, I don't believe God just takes away our problems. He is on our side and he is working for our good, but he does not do it for us. We have to do our part. We have to do everything we can do, and God will do the rest. We have to trust that he will, but we first have to put our own energy into it. But also, and this is the second of all, we have to depend fully on him. Sometimes we try to do things on our own, and we usually fail miserably. We usually create catastrophic messes of our lives and our relationships, with only ourselves to blame. But every once in a while, we're able to do something on our own terms and our own strength (or so we think) and we sort of survive. The outcome may not be as great as we had hoped, but we knew it couldn't amount to much because we're rejecting God's help.

But there are those issues, those sins in our lives that we simply cannot and will not overcome without Christ. Without FULL dependence on him to strengthen and redeem us. We know we should depend on God through all things, in all situations, good and bad. But do we do this? If we're honest, no. If we're honest, the times we depend most on God are when we're struggling, when we're in pain, when we don't know what else to do. For some reason, God is our last resort when we've failed to figure it out on our own. But he LONGS for us to come to him in the first place. Not only will he help us, but he'll strengthen us and even bless us.

I do not deserve such favor.

Regardless, Jesus does this for me everyday. Now I know I was praying for the wrong thing. What I needed was to understand the reasons behind my lack of motivation. I needed to depend fully on him to calm the storm in my mind and in my heart.

Remember the avalanche a few posts ago? Yesterday I was journaling and came to the realization that there will be no avalanche. I'm already on top of the mountain, metaphorically speaking. But in reality, there isn't enough crap to avalanche on me. I'm working through the pile, and there simply isn't enough there to overwhelm me at this point. And that is probably a miracle that I can say that... especially in the month of December.

But as I continued to think about this, I realized I had a mini-avalanche last week. Not in the sense that I knew it was coming and I was just preparing for the impact. This one I didn't know was coming. Surprise attack, I guess you could say. Oh but I was tested and challenged and pushed to my emotional and mental and spiritual limits.

And Jesus? He never let me go. I survived. Flourished, even.

We should be thankful for the hard moments. I've learned that even if I don't mean it, I'm going to thank God for them. Eventually my heart will follow my words. (It really is true. I think the moment my heart caught up is right now.)

I'm training for a marathon. It's in April in Champaign. I don't really like running. But I'm doing it anyway. I'm doing it because it's a challenge and I want to succeed. I'm doing it because it will get me in shape. (I'm in better shape now than I have been since I was like... 13.) I'm doing it because it's something my mom and I can do together, and I know that time we have together is important to both of us. And I'm doing it because I know if I don't, I'll regret it.

It's not easy by any means. We ran 6 miles last weekend. Right after hearing a sermon about accelerating through the finish line... a metaphor for pushing hard through the end times and pursuing Christ with fervor and determination and passion.

When I was at LCC, I took Christian Character and Leadership, a class that goes through 1 and 2 Timothy and Titus. One of the assignments we had was to select a metaphor Paul uses in those letters to Timothy and Titus and write a paper about why it is a metaphor for each of our lives. I chose the metaphor of athleticism, specifically running and training. I don't know why I did that, because at the time, I wasn't working out or running or training for anything. Maybe it was wishful thinking, or perhaps divine intervention...

Anyway... that's what this blog is about. Running and training and disciplining myself physically and also spiritually. And even mentally and emotionally. I've learned to take time for myself and to make sure I'm spending time alone and alone with God. But I have never in my 22 years of life known what it is to focus on myself and work through my own stuff. I can't explain to you the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders - weight I didn't even realize I was carrying. If we don't deal with our own stuff, how can we possibly help others deal with their stuff?

I know I'm called to help people.

I'm getting the plank out of my eye so I can see clearly to get the speck out of yours.

Ouchies and Thankies of 2008.

2008-12-02T10:32:00.002-06:00

Two years ago, the day after Thanksgiving I posted a blog titled "Ouchies and Thankies." I had just had my wisdom teeth removed, hence the 'ouchies.' And being the day after Thanksgiving... 'thankies.'

This year, Thanksgiving was intensely stressful and emotional. I wasn't expecting this avalanche. So much so that I never stopped to appreciate the reason we celebrate Thanksgiving. I didn't recognize the many blessings in my life.

Ouchies this year include both physical and emotional pain. I ran six miles on Sunday with my mom... and I am in pain. And then I ran three miles yesterday. And did some other weight lifting and such. I am in pain.

This is the first holiday season without my grandpa. Ever.

It's the first holiday season without my brother, too. Strangely and suddenly I feel like an only child, and I don't very much like it. I miss him.

Like I said, it's been a stressful holiday season. And it isn't even close to being over. I don't want to skip it or wish it gone. Even though I do feel that way at times, I think it's important to still cherish every moment we're given. I think we can still cling to the peace and hope of Christ, knowing that through him we are strong, through him we will survive the holidays, and through him we may even enjoy them.

I am thankful.

I am thankful for a close relationship with my parents. Sometimes being close makes things more complicated, sometimes we fight more, but it's because we care and we aren't afraid to show it.

I am thankful for the best friends in the entire world. They are my best support, they are the reason I'm able to do anything... this includes everyone. So thank you. But specifically, Melissa. Tavia. Charlie. Mindy.

I am thankful for my Jesus. He is my strong tower. He is so many things, he is everything to me. But in this season of life, above all, he is my strong tower. My strength when I'm weak, and I am very weak. I'm thankful for the ability to communicate with him. I'm thankful that he accepts me and loves me. I'm thankful that I don't have to be perfect to be his.

I am thankful for the ability to write. As someone who tends to harbor my emotions, writing has been my release for the last 13 years of my life. It's central to who I am, to the way I communicate with God, to the way I express what I think and feel. It's why I spend so much time on the internet - because it's a form of written communication, and it's something I am good at. I am thankful for what writing is to me.

I am thankful for a job that is reliable and flexible.

I am thankful for my brother and his commitment to serving this country. I'm also thankful that he is alive and well.

I am thankful that I am single. The things I've learned in the last year and a half or two years have been necessary and irreplaceable.

There are many things to be thankful for. I'm sure there are other things. But for the sake of avoiding cheeseballness, I'm going to stop there.

Hope you all had a good thanksgiving. I can't believe it's December... where has 2008 gone?

I didn't leave.

2008-11-26T12:51:00.004-06:00

See bullet point in previous post. The one about leaving if a certain someone showed up.

Probably one of the most empowering moments of my life.

Bullet point update.

2008-11-25T17:29:00.006-06:00

> The girls from Lincoln visited me last weekend, and it was a great time.
> Morgan found more Skittles on my floor. I thought I ate them all.
> Dorian and I saw Ingrid Michaelson last Wednesday. It was nothing short of awesome.
> Twilight came out on Friday. Morgan, Shana, Dorian, and I saw it. Again, nothing short of awesome. (But the books are obviously better.)
> I'm one chapter away from finishing Breaking Dawn... I'm so happy about the outcome.
> Everyone's home for Thanksgiving break. I'm excited to go out tonight.
> If you-know-who shows up, I will probably leave.
> I've been meeting a woman at school for spiritual direction every two weeks. Very eye-opening.
> I'm dealing with a lot of things right now. Sorry if it seems like I'm distant. If I do, it's because I am. =P
> I am cold.
> I'm actually kind of enjoying winter so far.
> I'm going to Indiana Thursday. Michigan Saturday.
> My fear of commitment and vulnerability was reconfirmed the other day.
> I'm a perfectionist.
> I have a critic in my head whose voice overpowers mine. I'm trying to come up with a name for him so I can directly address him when I need to tell him to shut up. I find commands are more effective when you use the intended recipient's name.
> I'm not as depressed as my blogs are making me seem.
> I'm peaceful.

UPDATE:
> I forgot that I'm shy. But now I remember.

Avalanche.

2008-11-25T16:51:00.005-06:00

I haven't blogged in a while. Let me paint you a picture.

It's snowing. White and fluffy and heavy but light. Each individual, intrinsic flake weighs nothing in the palm of your hand. Nothing on the frozen solid ground, on the cement driveway you're determined to uncover. As you work, they fall. One at a time, yet thousands at once.

If you pause for even a moment, the path you just created is already disappearing.

But you don't stop and retrace your steps. You keep going. Because if you pause, if you go back, the layers in front of you will only increase. Flake after flake will fall. Weightless alone, heavy together. If you wait too long, it piles too high. The weight is more than your feeble arms and plastic shovel can bear.

Imagine a mountainside with mounds of snow rather than your driveway. The snow just does not stop. There exists no one with the duty of clearing the flakes away.

Eventually... avalanche.

Usually I find myself standing below the avalanche, knowing at any moment I might be buried in snow.

In the moment that I'm buried, all I can do is call on Jesus and we dig out of the white pile together. Only together can I survive.

Do you have the image in your head? Have you connected the dots?

This is December for me. Every year. Each snowflake representing a different situation, worry, conflict, stress in my life. I underestimate the weight of each flake, letting its seeming weightlessness trick me. I ignore the flake.

But flakes don't come alone. One at a time, yet thousands at once.

Ignore them for a moment... avalanche. And I stand directly below it, waiting, almost asking, to be buried.

As December approaches, I'm bracing for the white pile. I'm expecting it. But maybe this year I'll be standing at the peak of the mountain. Maybe I'll hop on a snowboard and ride the avalanche to the foot of the hill. And instead of trying to prepare myself, I'll just trust in Jesus and do what I can to survive and enjoy the ride.

Escaping blue.

2008-11-12T23:43:00.004-06:00

I sit.

No.

She sits. At the table in the corner with her back to the wall. Choosing openness at the subconscious.

The seat, the table, she chooses to maintain balance in the coffee shop in the bookstore.

A girl on a seat at the table in the corner of the coffee shop at the bookstore that serves as her escape...

... as her escape from the biting wind that comes to warn of winter and its fast-approaching snow.

The glistening white that contrasts the dark gloomy blue.

The midnight blue that comes each December to steal the sparkle from her eye and the sweet ferocity of her heart.

The blue melancholy that she promised to avoid this year, no matter what it takes.

Something to think about.

2008-11-06T23:42:00.003-06:00

Ever since Tuesday night when Barack Obama was elected President, I have had a really hard time grasping the audacity of some Christians. I've had a really hard time keeping my mouth shut. I believe that it is our responsibility to correct falsehood and debunk myths and rumors, but we are to do it with gentleness and love. Had I opened my mouth before tonight, I would have been rather critical, demeaning, and probably self-righteous.

It's wise for us to think through our emotions before we let them direct our words, actions, decisions. We need to process our feelings and thoughts about situations in life before we do anything with them. And even before we process, we need to pray. We need to pray for wisdom, discernment, guidance, and strength. Then we act.

Over the last two to three days, I have been ashamed. Shame is also part of the reason I have kept my mouth shut. But no more.

So many of my fellow Christians are making fools of themselves as they respond to the election of Obama. I don't want to associate myself with some of you, I don't want others to see how you have behaved and then assume I am the same way. Christ might be ashamed, too. I don't know.

I say this in love, brothers and sisters: We, the Church, are to be a light. We are to point to Christ, not to ourselves. We are to represent Christ's love in a real way. We are to love God and love people. We are to trust in God and trust that he is in control. We are to place our faith and our hope in the Word of God.

We are not to slander.

We are not to disrespect the authorities that God himself has placed around us.

We are not to disrespect each other.

We are not to act in a way that does not represent or glorify Christ.

On one hand, the Facebook statuses I have seen over the last couple of days have been really entertaining. The idiocy of some people!

But on the other hand... I have been deeply ashamed, and troubled, and disappointed.

I will give credit to some Christians: Some have responded with prayer for our country and its leaders, with faith in God's sovereignty, and with respect for our president-elect. But others have responded with disdain, embitterment, anger, and slander.

Among the things I've seen include the accusation that Obama is: the antichrist, a socialist, Muslim, and a fraud. Also, people who voted for Obama aren't Christians. Christians can't vote pro-choice.

And the people that have said these things have all been self-proclaimed Christians.

I urge you, as a fellow believer, to not slander anyone, regardless of who they are or what they stand for.

I could say so much more, but I think I'll just let the Bible speak for itself:

Ephesians 4:25-27, 29-5:2

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

2 Timothy 2:23-24

Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servants must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.

James 1:19-20

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Titus 3:1-2

Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

John 16:33

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Colossians 1:15-20

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

1 Thessalonians 5:17

Pray continually.

I say all of this with love and don't want to start arguments. I'm not completely confident in Obama's ability to lead our country, either. Regardless, we need to pray for him and his administration, and we need to respect the authorities that God has placed over us. Be careful of the words you say and be mindful of the way that you represent Christ.

He hits the nail on the head.

2008-11-05T21:49:00.002-06:00

Beautiful_01 Crumbs Outtake from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

Beautiful_02- Single Guys Outtake from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

Vera Wang, Your Bags are Beautiful

2008-11-03T02:53:00.002-06:00

I returned the Daisy Fuentes bag and instead purchased a Simply Vera, Vera Wang bag. I love it ten times more and it's a million times more conventional. And cuter. And bigger.

Luckily the Daisy bag never ripped, but I don't know how it didn't.

Skittles are foreign and scattered across my floor.

2008-11-03T02:40:00.003-06:00

I haven't eaten Skittles in years, and in no way am I exaggerating.

Years ago I saw Shrek (not sure which one) in theaters with my family. The full seats forced us to split up, with several of us sitting rows ahead of the others. One of my cousins, Lexi, who is now a freshman in high school, was eating Skittles. Early in the movie, she dumped her Skittles on the floor and the sounds of candy spilling reverberated off the walls. Sitting rows ahead of her, I managed to catch some Skittles by my feet.

I found a box of Skittles yesterday in my room. I just opened them.

I just spilled them all over my floor.

I thought of Lexi.

Before the Skittles incident, I had planned on writing a blog about how foreign the life of a Christian is to someone who is not a Christian. I read over the last blog I posted about not pursuing Christ and about finding joy and hope in my messy life. It suddenly struck me that I might sound like a cheeseball sometimes when it comes to talking about my relationship with God. And then I wondered if anyone who reads my blog is not a Christian.

You know those Christians you want to slap silly because they're so cheesy, so fake, so irritatingly happy, too smiley, and just plain annoying? I don't want to be Cheesy Christina the Christian. UGH. Cheesy Christina doesn't give an accurate portrayal of Christianity.

The way I talk about my faith and about God's grace and mercy might sound kind of... odd to someone who knows nothing of his perfect love. He is foreign to some people.

The same way Skittles have been foreign to me. But now they're not because I ate them and they were tasty.

And they are also scattered on my floor, and I don't think that I will pick them up.

How quickly I forget.

2008-11-02T16:19:00.006-06:00

Days without the intentional pursuit of my Savior are hopeless, worthless, and they flat out suck. Sometimes I survive only because of the grace and mercy of the one I seek to serve.

Even if things "go wrong" on the days I'm looking up, I can go to bed at night still smiling because my life is filled with joy and strength and hope for a better tomorrow.

"Don't you say that I've gone crazy, 'cause I haven't gone crazy yet.

I just lost my mind, but I still got You."

1 John 4:4

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

Bumper sticker in Lincoln.

2008-11-02T01:20:00.003-05:00

'Cause all we lost was years.

2008-10-31T11:48:00.003-05:00

My heart is heavy today, friends. I don't really know why.

I don't really like Halloween.

But I don't think that has anything to do with anything.

Sometimes I listen to music, and it's so good, and the lyrics are brilliant, and the music tugs at your heart for reasons you don't understand. Sometimes I'm brought back to the past, and I don't like that. Sometimes I don't mind, but right now I don't like it.

The search for love is long and tedious and painful and hopeful and exciting. I'm tired of looking, and I know it tends to happen when you aren't looking, but we've been looking for centuries. Why else do we love love stories and connect best with happy endings? Because we want our own. Even from the ripe young age of toddlerhood, we've had the images and fantasies of Disney princesses stamped onto our hearts, never to fade until the day we fall in love.

You know the line in The Notebook, "I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and for me, that has always been enough"... That quote has always stuck with me. Perhaps because I find it is true for myself.

That's all I can bring myself to say.

If not for the people, I'd never go.

2008-10-27T15:30:00.004-05:00

Lincoln is super lame. Nothing to do. Nothing to see.

Megan informed me of the phenomena that is ChaCha. ChaCha is my new best friend. Sorry ladies. When you hold endless knowledge at my fingertips, I'll reconsider the recent reordering of my friends. ;)

So I asked dear ChaCha, "What fun things are there to do in Lincoln, IL?"

She replied with, "You can enjoy an urban general store on Lincoln Square."

Seriously???

Like I said, Lincoln is lame.

But the innumerable memories.friendships.moments.connections.loves.revelries that place holds... cliche, yes, but they are priceless.

TOMS again!

2008-10-22T16:44:00.002-05:00

So today I happened upon Blake Mycoskie's blog... via email update from TOMS Shoes. Blake is the founder of TOMS and calls himself the Chief Shoe Giver. He's doing his part to change the world.

I'll reiterate what a friend said: Obama is not change, and McCain is not change. They will not single-handedly improve (or break) anything. Except maybe morale.

You and I and Mom and Neighbor and Sister and Ex-girlfriend and Fiance and Professor and Highschoolers and Add-Name-Here are who will change this country... and maybe the world.

Our generation is moving. Add a car to the train... or just hop along for the ride. But don't be the Gloomy Glens and Left-out Lucys waving goodbye from the platform. Because from our view, the platform grows small as the train pulls away and a life of waving and watching sounds kind of lame.

I take that back.

2008-10-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

WWTDD posts five blogs an hour... minimally.

Where the heck is everyone?

2008-10-21T11:43:00.002-05:00

No one is updating their blog but me. I feel lonely in blogger land.

Mixed emotions.

2008-10-21T08:49:00.002-05:00

I made it to my 8:00 class on time this morning, only by the grace of God, and I was pretty excited about it. I also spent a considerable amount of time preparing for the exam we had, so I was kinda pumped. Plus I actually got up at 5:15 and showered and got ready before I left for the day! Pretty impressive, huh?

So my day started off pretty smoothly, other than my curses at the cars moving at turtle-speeds... I'm such an angry driver, I really need to get that in check. Lately I've become extremely conscious of my outbursts, but by outbursts I only mean bitter thoughts running through my mind or perhaps a choice word or two spoken aloud if no one is within range of hearing. I know I'm not alone in my irritability and impatience - especially in the heart of the city.

I got to class on time, feeling pretty good about this test, feeling pretty good about my day. Dr. B walks in and says, "Before we start, let me collect your observational projects."

My what?!

I thought it was due Thursday.

UGH, life.

To Write Love On Her Arms.

2008-10-18T23:19:00.005-05:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

I think To Write Love On Her Arms is an extraordinary organization of ordinary people serving ordinary people and giving extraordinary hope. It's not about the organization and it's not about Jamie and it's not about the cool t-shirts (though they are pretty cool). It isn't even about the music or the books or the speeches. What it really comes down to is community and the realization that no one is alone and no one is meant to be alone. And when we think we're alone we do some pretty desperate things to feel and to cope and it ends up screwing things up more than helping. But when we look up and wake up and see the faces around us as people who are just like us, trying to find peace and joy and hope in a broken world, life is just better. Fuller. Enriched.

A lot of people don't realize (or don't want to) that even though everything I just said is true, really it's not. Really it's about Jesus, and it's through Jesus, and it's for Jesus. He is the Great Redeemer. He is the Creator and the Healer and the Lover of our souls. Oh, how He loves us.

TWLOHA focuses on four specific symptoms of loneliness: depression, self-injury, addiction, and suicide. I've never personally struggled with the last three, but I have experienced depression and I'm fighting a winning battle against loneliness.

God equips us to help and to serve and to bless others. If we're made to serve the lonely, we should step up to the call. TWLOHA steps up. Not only are they creating conversation and providing hope to the hopeless, they are setting an example. In my eyes, they're being the Church. They're showing Christ in a way the world greatly needs to see Him - as helping, as living, as redeeming. Accepting. Loving. Welcoming. We need to follow in their footsteps, in our day-to-day lives and in the big picture.

It's an encouragement to see how God is working through TWLOHA. It's a blessing to be part of a movement that is neverending: love and hope and community. TWLOHA is bringing a piece of heaven to earth, and I want to take part in Redemption and in Providence.

Eternity is looming.

I have a new plan for my life.

2008-10-18T21:00:00.005-05:00

Yesterday at work I had a few minutes to spare while waiting to make a phone call, and I decided to look for an email address for a caseworker who works for Family Service of McHenry County. She's relatively new, so she wasn't listed on their website yet (as was expected). While perusing the staff list, I noted all the letters following their names. MA, MSW, LPC, LCPC, PhD, PsyD, etc. Somehow that led me to Googling certification programs in alcohol and drug abuse/addictions counseling. That search landed me on the website for Adler School of Professional Psychology.

I didn't (and still don't) know much about the school, but I had heard of it before. The basic philosophy of Adler is based on the person Adler, who believed in being socially responsible and in being knowledgeable about the issues that affect people living in our neighborhoods and communities and cities. I think this school was made for me.

My new career infatuation is to go to Adler for an MA in Counseling Psychology, then continue on to get post-graduate certification in Substance Abuse Counseling. And possibly, one day, a PsyD... to be a Doctor of Psychology in Clinical Psychology.

I have no idea if this will really happen, obviously. Things tend to happen much differently than we think we want them to, and that's okay. I'm a flybytheseatofmypants kinda girl, so I dig that kinda thing. Usually.

As far as my future goes, I need to get through my undergrad, but I'll get there. It was good to reevaluate my plans and dreams and goals and to adjust a little bit. I need to work my butt off to get to grad school. I need to raise my GPA... which I can do, with enough motivation, determination and hard work.

The other night I went to Connect, the 20something group at my church. (I've been to a lot of 20something groups lately. I need the community desperately.) First of all, I loved it. Second, we talked about putting Jesus first place in our lives. I'm trying, striving, struggling to do this, every day. Some days I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Some days I feel like I'm getting nowhere. Thus is the result of sin, and I hate it, but I'm hopeful. After the worship and message, we broke up into groups for discussion. One guy in our group was still on his new Christian spiritual high, and even though I'm not where he is, it was so refreshing to see such unshakable faith in Jesus. He talked about how we need to pursue excellence in all we do, even if we don't understand the point in what we're doing. I needed to hear that.

It also reminds me that God will use anything we learn or do or experience for good and for a greater purpose we may never fully realize. The classes we've taken that seem monotonous and drab and pointless will be used for something, somewhere in our futures. Some of the things we've heard or learn form us in our subconscious, in ways and in places we don't even realize. There are so many things taking place in our brains, even in this very moment, that are part of our subconscious existence, it's absolutely fascinating. Take, for example, the fact that my foot is tapping to the beat of the song I'm listening to. I didn't consciously think, "Foot, move to the beat of this song," or even think, "neurons, tell my foot to move."

We're formed by our experiences and our family and friends and our education and our pursuit of Jesus, and in many ways that we are fully aware of. One of my favorite things to do is to discover a reason or explanation for something I do, think, or say. I love being able to identify a cause and effect relationship between two seemingly unconnected things in my life. But the truth of the matter is most of who I am was formed, first of all, by the hand of Jesus, before I was even born, and second of all, through more avenues than I could possibly know about. Absolutely fascinating.

At Connect, the speaker Jeff mentioned how interesting it is that the older he gets, the more all he can do is talk about Jesus. I'm finding that has been true in my life, but I'm young, and I have many years ahead of me.

I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to be a light and I'm trying to love Jesus with all I've got. It's so hard and some days I love myself more and Jesus is in last place, but moment by moment I'm trying.

Colossians 1:15-17

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

John 16:33

I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Everybody! Come and see how ridiculous I look!

2008-10-15T12:05:00.008-05:00

These pictures are from the weekend we went out for Jimmy's birthday... we had SO much fun. I love these girls and I'm SO glad we're friends again. :)

Here are pics from the Lincoln weekend... my girls (minus Myst)!

I don't know what I would do without these three (+Myst)... seriously.

Guess what? My fall break starts tomorrow, a day earlier than expected, because classes are CANCELLED!!! :)

DSG strikes again!

2008-10-15T01:05:00.002-05:00

Yep, it's Dumb Stats Girl again... are you ready for it?

First, I just have to say that she really cracks me up. I sat next to her today, and she is a trip. She's a really sweet girl and really funny, too. Just kinda slow when it comes to jokes... and things. Haha.

The stats prof was talking about how once we got through all of the examples of what we were doing, that we'd be staring at her like she had asked, "Who's buried in Grant's tomb?" A few students slipped a chuckle or two out. DSG, on the other hand, said, "Wait... what? Who's buried in Grant's tomb?"

Then later the prof asked, so is this one sample or two samples? And we all said, two samples. And the prof asked, how do you know? And DSG said, because there are two samples.

Haha. :)

Nighty!

P.S. I'm so happy and I have the best friends in the entire world.

Something exciting, if you're into this kinda stuff.

2008-10-14T15:13:00.003-05:00

Last week (ish) a new law was passed as part of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. This new law is the Paul Wellstone - Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008. Essentially, this new law makes it easier for consumers to enter treatment for a wide variety of mental health issues. Currently, not all insurance companies will pay for treatment of mental health concerns, and even if they do, many of them are not considered equal to other health issues, so they only cover certain issues, or for a small amount of money and/or time.

I received an email at work last week about it, with a link to a short course educating on what mental health parity is and what this new law will actually do. It's a great thing; the only downside is that it doesn't go into effect until January of 2010. We'll take what we can get, though.

I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to do this, but I searched all over the website for this online course (http://www.essentiallearning.com/) and I can't see why it would be a problem to share the link. Its purpose is to educate and raise awareness, so why not spread the word?

So if you want to know more about mental health parity and about the Wellstone-Domenici Act, then please please please visit this link: http://www.essentiallearning.net/student/content/sections/Lectora/Parity/index.html

Also, essentiallearning.com is a great resource for CEUs in the future, for all you psych majors, once we're done with grad school. There are a ton of online courses to take about all kinds of topics. There's a free webinar at 1:00 tomorrow called, "Strategies to Help Community Providers Prevent Suicide in Veterans," if you're interested. I know I can do it because I work for the Mental Health Board in my county, so I can list them as my organization, but if you guys are interested, I would suggest checking it out for yourselves. Just go to the website, and you'll find a link to it on the homepage.

While I'm thinking of it - and addressing my fellow psych majors - go to http://www.psychtemps.com/ and sign up and upload your resume. And make sure you write in somewhere that I referred you there. :)

I'm just so excited for my future, and for yours, and that I have so many great friends (psych majors and not) who want to change the world. We can do it, one day at a time.. one class at a time. One person at a time.

I'm pumped.

Like I said...

2008-10-14T11:56:00.002-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/13/campbell.brown.obama/index.html

Obama claims faith in Jesus Christ. Set the record straight.

But even if he WERE Muslim, should it matter? No.

Kick-ass kicks.

2008-10-10T12:03:00.003-05:00

I am in physics and it's Friday and I don't want to pay attention. Instead I am looking at TOMS shoes, which are pretty freakin sweet, but way too super expensive. Check them out though... tomsshoes.com

The idea is that for every pair of shoes you purchase, TOMS gives a pair to a child in need. So, pretty sweet, but I don't have $45 (+ shipping) for a pair of shoes at the moment. Or $118 for these sweet boots (Sorry blogger is gay and the picture wasn't working... so go look them up yourself. haha).

But still cool right?

There's also a pair that has a Mark Twain quote on it: "The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter." Love it.

After class I'm gonna go get a pink hair extension for breast cancer awareness... October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Squeeze a boob, save a life. :)

Oy, when is this class over?

Last night, I went to Chili's with the girls for our Thursday night drinks. It was a blast... I laughed till I cried. Love those girls.

Um, I'm sick of being single. Someone set me up on a date, please.

Christians For Obama

2008-10-09T09:08:00.001-05:00

Check it.

Read with discernment and wisdom. Don't believe everything you read, hear, see. Think critically about what you believe.

But be informed.

285? Really?

2008-10-07T14:12:00.003-05:00

So like two weeks ago I added a counter to my blog. If you hadn't noticed it, it's in the left panel at the bottom. The only problem with this particular counter is that it counts when ALL hits - so that includes when I look at my blog (which is pretty frequently, given that I was trying to fix formatting issues and adding things here and there, plus now I have a counter to check). That said, I'm sure maaany many of those 285 hits are me. Also, if you navigate away from my blog but come back, well that adds another to the count.

Let's guesstimate - at most, I'm probably 100 of those counts (and even that seems like more than it probably is). And let's say that for all of my subscribers, they each have looked at my page twice a day for the last 10 days. Well, I only have 6 official followers. So that means 6 x 2 times a day x 10 days = 120. 120+100=220.

I know there are at least a couple people reading my blog who aren't followers.

So who are all you other people, or who of my followers is checking my blog 10 times a day on their own? Not that I'm complaining. =P

Welp, I hope that number keeps going up and up and up...

Grey's + Rosie Thomas = <3

2008-10-05T23:48:00.004-05:00

I'm foolish and crazy

I just think that maybe

I've got a lot of things to figure out

I'm winning, I'm losing

I'm afraid of never choosing

This heart of mine was so beaten down

Before you came around

Suddenly I feel Your hand in mine.

2008-10-05T21:58:00.002-05:00

Man, I am tired and I have homework to do and sleep to do and ugh... I'm so tired. But I'm going to write this blog anyway because I promised it. It might not be written greatly, but God is great and really... that's all this one is about.

So, from the top...

Reflecting on last week, I realize God speaks pretty clearly sometimes, if you're willing to open yourself up and listen. Each day I've been reading My Utmost For His Highest and journaling on the train. (Journaling = praying and speculating and daydreaming and getting lost in my thoughts.) It's been a great way to start my day, to get my brain juices flowing, to get me thinking and praying and praising. God has blessed me with so, so many things and people and situations, I can't help but find joy in my life.

I've been working on reevaluating many different areas in my life, especially the way I spend my money and my time. I'm quite selfish with both and do well to do what I want, when I want to, and I'm finding that I need to be a little bit less controlling and a lot more flexible... also much less selfish and more aware of the needs around me.

So I decided this weekend that I wouldn't spend money and that I wouldn't go out. And I didn't.

Friday I went to Axis Experience at Willow Creek (South Barrington) with Ian and Erin and Amiel (I hope I spelled that right). I had never been, but it ended up being a really great night. Worship was awesome and I met Jon Peacock and he was cool and I actually met a lot of really great people. Got to see and catch up with some friends. It was just really good. They're working on supporting something called House of Hope in Prague and it was really heart breaking. They're sending teams to help build the house (but I don't really remember what exactly it's for, oops) and I kind of want to go. We'll see. Point is, God was and is moving and He is so great.

Saturday morning I worked at the Crystal Lake Food Pantry with a group from my church. I assisted clients coming in to get their food - so I brought them around to each aisle and based on their family size let them know how much they were allotted. The last woman I helped was Spanish-speaking and she started crying while we were walking through and I felt helpless. I had already been thinking lately how badly I want to brush up on my Spanish skills, and here was exhibit A. Seriously. God might as well have written on my wall on Facebook, plain as day, "Jess- Become fluent in Spanish so you can minister to Spanish-speaking people." And if God had a Facebook, I would have clicked, "Write on God's wall," and I would have written, "Okay God."

I didn't end up going to the Young Life leadership training meeting today. The train schedule didn't work with when I needed to be there, and then Melissa needed me to pick her up from the train, and I wanted to go to church, and I didn't want to drive down to school, plus I had no money for gas... so, I decided it was smarter not to go. I'm going to still look into it this week and hopefully meet up with the girl who's leading it, but we'll see.

Instead I turned in my application at my church to help out with the high school students, and went to that tonight. I hate that I'm shy and that somehow I don't know what to say. I'm working on it and I'm getting stronger and more confident, but it takes effort. A lot of it, sometimes. I met a bunch of people tonight and I don't remember most of their names but it'll come. The world is really small and keeps getting smaller. I keep meeting people and finding out we have mutual friends... it's the craziest, most fun thing ever.

This blog wasn't as in depth or well written or exciting as I wanted it to be, but I had to get it out now. I'm so so so tired, but I had a great weekend, and God really is moving and I really am changing and I'm so excited to be involved in ministries that are helping people. I love my life and I'm so so glad that God is using me. And I'm humbled.

My heart is growing and it's breaking for the broken hearted and I can't help but do my part to bring hope and to redeem the lost.

Live urgently, friends. We're in the last hour. (1 John 2:18)

This love branches out like an oak tree

Reach for the sky and roots to the sea

So when you're shaken down and broken

Find some peace of mind in knowing...

Suddenly I feel you holding me

Sweep me away

Suddenly I feel your hand in mine

Sweep me away

Suddenly I feel you leading me

Sweep me away

Suddenly I feel your heart in mine

Sweep me away

Wait for it, wait for it...

2008-10-03T23:58:00.003-05:00

A good blog this way comes by the end of the weekend. I can feel it in my bones.

It will include:

-Ways in which God is good

-Ways that I am changing

-Axis Experience

-Food Pantry

-Young Life

-Possibly collegelife

-Ways in which God is good

And just in case I forget, the title will be, "Suddenly I feel Your hand in mine."

I hope everyone is having a great start to their weekend. :) I know I sure am.

Have I mentioned how much I love my life?

Don't Vote.

2008-10-02T08:31:00.002-05:00

Wow, that's a new record.

2008-10-01T17:29:00.002-05:00

I posted 21 blogs in the month of September alone.

In all of 2007, I posted 22.

This is an inspired year!

So here's to you, Reader. Because you keep coming back, I'm driven to write.

Thanks.

(P.S. GO CUBS!!)

I made a new friend today.

2008-10-01T11:43:00.003-05:00

Her name is Fran, and she is 86 years old, and she's originally from Germany. She asked me where the 92 Foster to Berwyn bus was - the same bus I take - so we started talking.

Fran is a widow and she doesn't have any children. And she's almost completely blind.

Today really is a great day... I knew it before it even started. I have every reason in the world to be smiling. And I am.

I'm going to call Fran and she is going to take me out to lunch. :)

Dumb girl in stats class... again.

2008-09-30T23:39:00.002-05:00

"Is George W. the other George's dad?"

Also, later on, the substitute prof was showing us an example of lurking variables using a scatterplot about storks and the number of births in Europe. Basically, the two have nothing to do with each other, so there must be a lurking variable that is causing them to seem related. However, he tried to be funny and tricky and said that plot is based on true data. Dumb girl believed it and got really confused trying to understand why he would say that babies come from storks.

And then she started talking about Dumbo.

Daisy Fuentes, Your Bags Suck!

2008-09-30T10:00:00.005-05:00

I think the girl sitting at the front of the bus* works in the Student Administrative Services office at North Park. I saw her yesterday. Sometimes it takes being in the city daily to realize what a small world we live in.

There was a girl passing out free copies of the Trib this morning. I walked right past her, assuming she only had meaningless garbage to hand me, like the Red Eye or something equally superficial**. I wish I would have stopped for a copy so I could have one more thing to distract me from homework and studying. Then again, with my newest addiction being Twitter, I highly doubt I need any more distractions. And now I've discovered the MemoPad on my (brother's) CrackBerry. You thought I was blogging a lot lately already? Now I can blog on the fly. I should set up mobile blogging. Then you can keep up with my life by the hour, or maybe the minute! You can know my every move... I know your survival depends on it.

Do you think a person could become addicted to stalking? Ponder... There would have to be some element of attraction. So I need to be magnificently beautiful, or insanely witty, or mind-blowingly intelligent. But I'm only mediocre in all three categories, so if you form an addiction to following my life via Twitter or Blogger, you have a real serious problem. I'm not that interesting.

Blogging by BlackBerry is fascinating. My mind functions differently. I'm rarely this inspired. I should do this more often.

I bought a black bag by Daisy Fuentes about a month ago. Really cute AND functional AND affordable. But four weeks later, I'm about to need a new bag. The straps are coming apart! One of them is hanging eversofragilely (I think I just made that word up) and I'm legitimately fearful that it will snap by the end of my long Tuesday. How will I ever survive?

*I was right.
**Glancing over the shoulder of the person in front of me, I did happen to see an article about yesterday's epic dive in the stock market. So I started to regret calling the RedEye superficial, but then I considered the fact that there was an entire page dedicated to Megan Fox and an estimated four inches to the Dow plunge. Problem? (Okay, maybe I should actually read the damn thing before I spout off opinions. Sorry.)

First, I'd like to say this...

2008-09-30T09:58:00.003-05:00

Blogger Mobile blows because it's not working. Apparently, a year ago there was a problem using it for T-Mobile BlackBerry users... um, it still isn't working. GAY.

Must have been a hell of a daydream - you didn't come home till three.

2008-09-28T16:28:00.005-05:00

I'm (finally) unpacking some things from Lincoln and going through papers and pictures and stuff. I'm also just kinda purging my room of things that I've held on to for waaaay too long. Like my first cell phone. Why do I still have that??

Anyway, I'll post some of the old, funny pictures in another blog. I'm tellin ya, I found some good ones!

When I started going through LCC stuff, I flipped through a notebook and found games of MASH that Morgan and I used to play during class. Of particular interest are the games we played with Matt Rut while working on our Marriage and Family video project last year. I laughed at the memory of that day and then again about what our results were.

Matt's results: He is going to marry Kelly, have one kid, and work as a video editor (ok... those weren't funny). He will drive a Hummer limo, and he's going to murder Mindy during his midlife crisis (sorry Mindy... at least now you won't be surprised.) He'll have one affair with a black woman, be a rapist in a secret life, and die in a helicopter crash (don't think that you can escape your fate by avoiding helicopters... MASH never lies!). Oh, and his drug of choice is Diet Pepsi (weak!).

Morgan's results: She will marry Ben Sowders (I'm not sure how that will work out, considering Ben is now married, but like I said, MASH never lies.) and have zero kids together. But they will own a cobra as a pet. In her midlife crisis, she will run a marathon. She'll have an affair with Max (haha!) and retire at the age of 35. Her income will be a whopping $0. She will be eaten alive by spiders at the age of 45, and her body will be found in her pimp's house (Max?). Based on these projections, her midlife crisis should be happening right now. Morgan, you have a marathon to run.

My results: I will marry a Random Man (the kinda guy that you meet in a bar?) and have 16 kids (that's a good way to ruin my woman parts). My job will be as a massage therapist, but in my secret life I'm a rest stop janitor. I'll have an affair with President Ray (I like my men old, I guess... weird... ) and I'll get a sex change at my midlife crisis (I guess the vajayjay will get boring, if it's not destroyed by all of the birthing... I don't know.) I'm going to commit murder (look out). I'll die by being choked (by the family of my victim?), and my body will be found in the trunk of a car. My Random Man husband will be run over by a herd of antelope (clearly we won't be living in Chicago!).

Revenge Crabs? Yes.

2008-09-27T16:07:00.001-05:00

http://www.revengecrabs.com/

Hilarious. Pathetic. Ridiculous.

But you have to admit it makes you laugh.

Go Twins/Indians.

2008-09-27T12:37:00.005-05:00

Like I said, I don't think I can handle the stress if the Cubs and White Sox face each other in the World Series. I think I will have a coronary.

This weekend, I'm rooting against the Sox.

I can't handle this.

2008-09-24T17:39:00.004-05:00

Read the article here.

09/23/2008 12:25 PM ET
Windy City waiting for a Red Line Series
Chicago could be biggest winner of Cubs-Sox Fall Classic
By Scott Merkin / MLB.com

-- An all-Chicago World Series would be a dream come true for fans on both the North and South sides of Chicago, but might it also be the key to making the city's Olympic dream come true?

"Like I said two months ago, if both teams go to the World Series, the Olympics will go to Chicago," said White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, referring to the city's status as a finalist for the 2016 Summer Games. "They're going to find out what the city is, what's it really all about, and it's going to have international attention.

"I think it's going to be fun for everyone, a lot of entertainment."

Even if an all-Chicago World Series does not result in a winning Olympic bid, Guillen is right that it would be fun for everyone, especially those who have a rooting interest in the heated crosstown rivalry.

The Cubs and White Sox last met in the postseason in 1906, when Teddy Roosevelt was president, which astonishingly also marks the last time both teams qualified for the playoffs during the same season. So from 1906 until now, a Cubs-White Sox World Series has never even been a possibility.

One step toward the first Red Line World Series -- so named for the red line of Chicago's famous elevated subway, which runs from the Sox/35th Street stop north to the Addison Street stop in Wrigleyville -- already has been taken, with the Cubs locking up the National League Central with a victory over the Cardinals on Saturday.

With the White Sox opening a three-game set at the Metrodome on Tuesday night, against a Twins squad sitting 2 1/2 games behind them in the American League Central, they could take a second step with a series sweep or at least set up a second clincher, this time on the South Side of Chicago, this weekend against Cleveland.

Since 1980, the White Sox clearly have fielded the consistently better teams, year in and year out. Yet during this 28-year-stretch, including this year, the Cubs have made six playoff appearances and the White Sox have made four.

Of course, the bar was raised in 2003, when the Cubs came within five outs of reaching their first World Series since 1945. That bar then reached the ultimate heights in 2005, when the White Sox captured Chicago's first baseball title since 1917.

Close to 2.5 million fans showed up downtown to welcome home their conquering heroes after their sweep of the Astros. Some of those White Sox faithful had to be thinking two things: "Now I can die happy," followed closely by "Now we have clear-cut bragging rights over Cubs fans."

Clear-cut, that is, unless one of the two teams were to win a championship during a Red Line World Series. It's possible that this intense rivalry could move to a new level in 2008.

"It would be hard to even imagine," White Sox reliever Scott Linebrink said of the potential World Series matchup. "I remember watching the Yankees and Mets [in 2000], and that seemed like craziness. I wouldn't know what to expect. I just know what I saw when we played in Interleague. It was a charged-up atmosphere. It was fun to be part of it."

"This would be the absolute coolest thing that ever happened in sports in this city," added David Kaplan, a talk-show host on WGN Radio, the Cubs' flagship station, and Comcast SportsNet, which broadcasts Cubs and White Sox games. "The '85 Bears was the neatest thing I ever saw, but this would top that, because it would encompass everybody on both sides of town. I know there would be Cubs fans absolutely terrified of losing to the White Sox, and vice versa."

At the heart of this rivalry lies the respective fan bases, two groups perceived to represent vastly different demographics.

Wrigley Field is thought to be filled by Yuppies -- Cubs fans who simply go to enjoy the ballpark experience and get their face on television, and who wouldn't be able to tell Ryan Theriot from Ryne Sandberg. Win or lose, Cubs fans go for the libations and the surrounding atmosphere, or so the story goes.

A blue-collar sort of group fills U.S. Cellular. Hard-nosed and gritty, they demand excellence from their team and won't show up unless the White Sox are successful.

One common bond forged between these two is a strong dislike of the other side. A popular T-shirt seen during the past couple of decades on the South Side sports the motto, "I root for two teams: The White Sox and whoever plays the Cubs."

Yet this bitterness does not stand out as abject hatred. Back at the end of June, during the second of two Interleague series between Chicago's teams, White Sox chairman Jerry Reinsdorf talked about a significant number of fans who root for both.

Reinsdorf mentioned taking the White Sox to a Bulls game after the 2005 championship and receiving a rousing ovation from the crowd. Not all of those fans in attendance were White Sox supporters.

Don't believe for a second, though, that a World Series matchup between the Cubs and White Sox would play out as a rational "may the best man win" sort of competition. Not where baseball is concerned in this city.

"I've asked a lot of White Sox fans, if given the choice of both teams in the playoffs or neither team being in the playoffs, what would you pick?" said Reinsdorf, speaking on the subject back in late June. "The answer is usually 'neither,' because 'I can't take the chance the Cubs might win.' And these [answers] are from some fairly intelligent people."

"We don't hate them, by any means," said Theriot, the Cubs' top-of-the-order sparkplug and starting shortstop. "It'd be really great if we won. If we lost it, it wouldn't be great; it'd be terrible. But just to have that chance, to have that chance just to get there and have that opportunity to do something great ..."

Until the introduction of Interleague Play in 1997, these intra-city battles only were steeped in the hypothetical.

Sure, there were charitable exhibition games that produced strange commercials involving less-charismatic managers than Lou Piniella and Guillen promoting the event. There even was a White Sox Minor Leaguer named Michael Jordan (yes, the same Bulls legend, the one with six NBA titles) getting two hits during a game played at Wrigley Field in 1994.

But once Interleague Play began, the Cubs-White Sox series immediately took on the intensity of such storied rivalries as Yankees-Red Sox and Cubs-Cardinals. Just one essential ingredient was missing.

"Having a rivalry that really never sees the two participants playing for the ultimate prize is something lost in translation until they meet in the Word Series," said White Sox announcer Steve Stone, who holds the rare distinction of having pitched and broadcast for both Chicago baseball organizations.

"For instance, this year nothing was decided," said Stone, referring to the club's split of six games, each winning all three at home. "Three games in each balllpark, and what did it mean? Treading water for both, no bragging rights for either. It didn't help the Cubs or White Sox, or hinder them."

What these 66 Interleague games have done, with each team winning 33, is create cult heroes who probably wouldn't have been heard of before and won't be heard of again. Brant Brown, Derrick White (Cubs) and Mike Caruso (White Sox) won't get to Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame unless they make the drive to Cooperstown, yet they all launched game-winning home runs in the series.

You can bet that any fan standing outside U.S. Cellular on 35th and Shields can describe the exact location of Caruso's long ball off Rick Aguilera at Wrigley Field. The same holds true for fans sitting at Harry Caray's just outside Wrigley when it comes to Brown's walk-off shot against Tony Castillo.

There also are special series moments that live in infamy, ranging from Aramis Ramirez's walk-off homer against Linebrink this season at Wrigley to Michael Barrett's sucker-punch of A.J. Pierzynski behind home plate at U.S. Cellular in 2006, setting off a bench-clearing brawl. Now a storyline appears to be setting up that only Hollywood could have concocted.

The Cubs, trying to end their 100-year World Series title drought, face the White Sox -- spoken of, at times, as Chicago's baseball stepchild -- who could win their second title in four years and break the Cubs fans hearts, as well.

And the winner of this battle?

Certainly, it's the city of Chicago, just as it was 102 years ago, when the White Sox won the championship in six games.

"New York already has had its World Series," Stone said. "With that precedent set, and the city is still up and functioning, I would expect nothing less from Chicago."

"If the two matched up," White Sox television announcer Darrin Jackson, who played for both teams, added with a wry smile, "it would be one of the best [World Series] since 1905. I think it would be a lot of fun."

(Scott Merkin is a reporter for MLB.com. This story was not subject to the approval of Major League Baseball or its clubs.)

One more thing...

2008-09-23T10:37:00.003-05:00

I wouldn't call myself a lukewarm Christian, but I think there are areas in which I am lukewarm. There are sectors of my faith that are still separate from the rest of me, because I've been reluctant to tackle the challenge, or unsure of how to go about it. My life is my faith, and in my faith in Jesus is life... making this so in every area of my life is challenging, but I want to work harder. It's time to cut the crap.

I had a great weekend.

2008-09-23T10:08:00.003-05:00

It was jam-packed, but it was great.

Friday, I got to Saundra's in Bloomington around 4. We talked and talked and had strawberry daiquris and talked and talked and ate pizza. Then we got ready to go out to downtown Bloomington... we had a great time. We concluded that both of us have changed a ton, but our good qualities have stayed and our friendship has picked up pretty much where it left off about 4 years ago. We've missed each other.

Saturday I left and went to Deb's for lunch... Megan and Mindy met me there. It was so good to see Deb and Brian and the kids... and the girls, of course, too. We played games and talked and ate and enjoyed each other's company.

We left there with just enough time for me to get ready for Corbin's wedding. About ten minutes before I left, I realized someone should go with me. So I offered it to Megan and Mindy, and Mindy ended up coming with. The wedding was nice and everyone looked great and it was good to hug Corbin. We hung out with Kate and Ryne, who are so good together - but everyone knew that years ago. :) Ryne has been sick, so he wasn't his normal, obnoxious, wonderful self, which was kinda sad. I missed it. During the wedding, the Cubs beat the Cards and clinched the NL Central Division Title... hell yeah! And of course I had to text Josh, who was sitting up at the head table, to rub it in a little bit. :)

Josh and I hung out after the wedding. We drank wine and talked and rehashed some things. Then we went to the unbeatable Lincoln bar scene (ha!) and talked some more. Last year when we hung out, it was awkward and weird and we lacked chemistry. This year was different.

He brought me to brunch with a bunch of people he knows (he knows a lot of people) the next morning. They were all really nice and welcoming and friendly and I had fun. The problem is sometimes I probably don't look like I'm enjoying myself because I'm not talking, but shockingly, I enjoy listening and observing just as much.

We went back to someone's house and took a tour of the newly renovated place. It looked great, but we didn't know what it looked like before to make much of a comparison. They had a creepy basement with a room they called the Silence of the Lambs Room... or the Serial Killer Room. Endearing, I know.

After that, I went back to the dorms and talked with the girls and watched a movie and went to dinner. Wes came with us. He's changed a little. When I first saw him, I said, "Wes! I've missed you, can I have a hug?" To which he responded, "Uh... maybe later." In the end, though, I got my hug, and it was good.

The moment I got in my car to leave, I cried. It seemed really ridiculous, but I couldn't conceal the sadness I felt. I'm still so glad I transferred and I think it was definitely the right decision for me, but I miss my girls. Coming to stay for the weekend and realizing that I was leaving was enough to force reality to sink in. Until now, I think I was still waiting for summer to end so I could come back to LCC.

Lately I'm becoming more emotional. Actually, I've always been emotional, but I've been hiding it for the last 3 years. I'm becoming myself again, and it's a damn good thing. Being vulnerable and open and transparent is still difficult, but over the last few weeks I've seen how fulfilling it actually is. It isn't a coincidence that while I've been closing myself off for the last three years, I've been battling loneliness all the way through.

Over the last few weeks, God's like, "Hey, do you trust me?" (I feel kind of like Peter, when Jesus asked him three times if he loved him. I've been trying to really HEAR what God is asking me instead of assuming what he means, but this is hard.) He's been questioning if I trust him to provide for my needs - my emotional and spiritual needs. I've never had a difficult time trusting him to provide for me physically, in terms of food, water, shelter, etc. My life is blessed in that regard. But emotionally, and sometimes spiritually, I have a tendency to try to rely on people rather than Jesus. And then I'm let down, because humans fail from time to time.

In the last month, God has completely fulfilled my need to be encouraged, to feel loved, to feel connected. He's taking care of me, and I'm doing my best to follow his lead. Trust is hard, but one of the most rewarding elements of a relationship... especially a relationship made possible because of Christ.

The pace of a snail.

2008-09-22T08:13:00.004-05:00

Slow is good and slow is hard.

But in a life that's escaping me in this very moment, in a life that suddenly jumps ahead at the speed of light (or more, it seems), in a city where rushing is the name of the game... I will stop and take my time and enjoy every moment.

I will learn to be slow and I will learn to face every moment I'm given, whether it be filled with pain, joy, sorrow, happiness, peace, or hope.

Sometimes I think God is moving at the pace of a snail, but he's probably not. Pray unceasingly for patience unlike anything you could ever come up with on your own. We need it.

I need it.

"With You beside me, I no longer fear."

9 Types of Guys to Get Over

2008-09-18T20:48:00.005-05:00

See if you can identify any of the guys you've dated as one of these... I did it - pretty effortlessly. And it gave me a little laugh. :)

But there are certain types of guys who should be NOBODY'S type. These guys are distinguished by one thing -- an overabundance of one or more very bad qualities. Here's your guide to boys to avoid:

1. The OverSharer: The current Overshare Poster Boy is Phillip Nobel, who wrote a highly hide-chapping account of his extramarital affair for Elle. The Oversharer will broadcast intimate episodes from your relationship to his mother, your mother, his blog readers and anyone else he can rope into paying attention.

2. The OverThinker: One of the great things about dating men is that you aren't subjected to long, excruciating interrogations over what you really meant when you reassured him that no, he didn't look fat in those pants. However, though they're rare birds, there are guys who will want to spend hours dissecting even the most innocuous comment, examining it for tone, content and what you might've been implying.

3. The OverTalker: Your friends say they've never known you to be so quiet. That's because this man does enough talking for both of you (and then some). When you do finally eke out a sentence or two he interrupts and talks over you anyway. You have two choices -- accept the fact that you will never speak again or tell him goodbye. Your call.

4. The OverDresser: This dandy makes Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass look sloppy and mismatched. That he takes longer than you to get ready is strike one against him, but the fact that he matches his socks to his underwear and to his ascot drives him out of the park.

5. The OverEater: It's an irritating fact that men can eat more than women. The overeater doesn't care. Food is his first love and he'll push cannolis and baked ziti on you like a crazed Italian granny. Unless you don't mind a future spent in stretch-pants, you might want to give this dude a pass.

6. The OverReactor: Remember when Russell Crowe threw a phone at that hotel clerk who somehow displeased him? That's this guy. From the old lady who accidentally bumped into him at the grocery store, to the SUV that cut him off on the highway -- everyone in his path will hear his wrath. You, most of all. Do not walk away -- run.

7. The Over-The-Topper: He's the life of the party and thinks nothing of driving his motorcycle through the bar if he thinks it'll get a laugh. He's certainly cute, but he just never stops. He's always on. And that, will quickly turn into a turn-off.

8. OverAchiever: Picture the male version of Tracy Flick in the movie "Election" in perfectly fitted jeans, a crisp white oxford shirt and a copy of his (perfect, naturally) SAT scores in his wallet. Now imagine making love to him. You can't, can you?

9. The OverCompensator: Maybe he was the homeliest kid in his eighth-grade class, but that doesn't mean you need to sit through a monologue about how much money he makes, how jealous his friends are over his new BMW, and how he totally could date supermodels if he wanted to. Next!

By Judy McGuire

"Who is Condaleeza Rice?"

2008-09-17T08:22:00.006-05:00

Yes, someone really asked that question, last night in my stats class. I think about 3 or 4 of us turned out and looked at her with the most dumbfounded expression. Pretty sure someone laughed.

A few minutes later she asked, "Who is Tony Blair?"

I shook my head.

Speaking of ignorance, I was thinking about the election yesterday, and I don't recall right now what made me think specifically of this, and I hope that doesn't ruin the point of my story. Haha. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that part of the reason I've been supporting Obama is because I value what he represents. Cliche, maybe, but he symbolizes change. That could not have been more evident than when he accepted his nomination at the DNC on the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech. Obama represents change in terms of promising to be different, and better, than the last 8 years. But he also represents the change that the United States has already made. 40+ years ago, a black man was shot and killed for speaking out and stepping up to lead America - on a social level. Today we have elected a black man as a presidential candidate to lead America on national and international political and social levels.

We are witnessing history in the making.

I want Obama to win so people like my grandma stop falsely believing white people are the best ones for the job. I want Obama to succeed and prove the skeptics and the racists wrong. I want him to be what this country needs. (Read between the lines: I'm not sure if he is.)

McCain, for me, represents the way things were. He represents White Right-Wing America with its reservations and unwillingness to change. It represents older generations who are so set in their ways, they don't remember why they do what they do anymore. And Palin, well... she's from Alaska and her kids have weird names and you can't blame a girl for trying. But her political experience includes a few years as mayor, a few years as governor, and now she wants to be the VP?

Last night I was flipping channels and landed on a televangelist and his wife "teaching" listeners about the way the world supposedly is. They accused Oprah of being pantheistic and of leading people astray from the Christian faith. Okay, it's no secret that Oprah isn't a true Christ follower... but how can you deny the positive example she sets? I find it arrogant and close-minded to refuse contact with any person on the mere basis of differences in beliefs. We have to first be confident in our own beliefs and understand why we hold those beliefs, so that we can discern Truth in the lives of others, but to condemn watching or listening to Oprah?

The televangelist couple also kept referring to Palin as being a true follower of Christ. How can you possibly know that?? Obama has repeatedly claimed Jesus as his Lord and Savior, yet somehow he has half the population convinced he's Muslim. Honestly, politicians know how to play the field and articulate their answers just so to win over as many people as they can. Are Palin and Obama truly Christians? That's between them and God. As a Christian, my duty is to pray they are. As an American, my responsibility is to vote, not to question or judge their faith.

Yesterday morning on the way to the train station I decided I had a few extra minutes to stop at McDonald's. So, I went through the drive-thru, ordered a number two - no egg - coffee with cream, please, and pulled up to the window. As the McDonald's employee took my money, he asked me if I was going to vote. And I said, Yeah... (I wasn't sure where this was going...) He replied, Obama? And I said, Yeah... (I still wasn't sure), and he proceeded to tell me about a guy who wasn't going to vote for Obama for the simple fact that Obama is Muslim. I laughed and took my change and said, I know, people believe crazy things, and drove up. I realized that what I should have said was, What difference would it make if he were Muslim?

If Obama is Muslim, does that mean he's a radical Sunni Muslim who is going to lead America straight into jihad? Is he going to commit genocide - against white Christians? Probably not. (But if he does, I'm relying on my Japanese roots to save me.)

Other than those two outrageous possibilities, I'm not quite sure what Obama's faith has to do with anything. If he's not really a Christian and he's pulling a fast one on us, well... like I said, that's between him and God.

Back to what I realized about why I support Obama... is the fact that he represents, in my mind, something America needs reason enough to elect him as president? Well, probably not. But I promise this is not the solitary reason I'm leaning left. If the election were today, I would vote for Obama. But I'll admit, I'm hesitant, and I'm confused. I just don't know what to do!

That said, Sarah Palin is growing on me.

At the end of the day...

2008-09-15T01:27:00.002-05:00

is my new favorite phrase.

Accidental/Incidental blogging.

2008-09-10T15:28:00.005-05:00

I was writing an email to Adam and ended up blogging. Haha, so I copied and pasted some of what I sent.

I'm reading a book called Confessions of a Reformission Rev. by Mark Driscoll. It's another of those what-is-the-church and how-can-we-be-relevant-to-our-culture and how-should-we-be-functioning-to-best-glorify-God-and-serve-the-needs-of-the-community,-both-in-the-church-and-out books. He's rather harsh at times, but it hits me where it counts (I don't know where that is) and makes me laugh at the same time. He's the cussing pastor Donald Miller talks about in Blue Like Jazz.

I have a hard time with books like these, as I'm sure I've shared before. I feel like many of us spend too much time reading stuff like this instead of the Bible and instead of just DOING. The only thing we have to back ourselves up is the pile of books on our shelves, and knowledge just isn't what it takes to affect change and to start a movement and to bring people to Christ.

And then I get overwhelmed by the amount of knowledge I have - and I don't know where to begin. Which injustices should I focus on? Where should I go? Which church do I attend? What ministry should I poor myself into? With whom would my gifts be most effective? Where will I serve God best? Where will I be challenged the most? Life is full of so many questions. I guess the one I always come back to is this: What is mine to do?

At the end of the day, God is good and life is good and all I care about is the fact that I can live a redeemed life. I love living the life I lead, regardless of the downfalls and attacks from the enemy. (As you know from previous blogs, they are many.)

(I also want to stress that I definitely value the experience and wisdom of those older than me and those who have gone before me into battle-- uh, ministry (ha), so that is why I read books like these... plus they are recommended to me by one of many godly people in my life, so I figure, why not? I can always stand to learn a thing or two. But my issue with these kinds of books comes when we simply ingest all this information and don't put it into use. That's called dead weight. Empty yourselves and DO something so that God can fill you back up with his love and wisdom and peace and hope.) (I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you.)

Instructions.

2008-09-09T23:17:00.002-05:00

Scroll down.

Look on the left panel.

Go to "Blogs of People I Know (Or Wish I Did)."

Keep scrolling.

Stop when you see "My Friend Megan."

Click on "My Friend Megan."

Read.

She's a teeny flower blooming into a beautiful blossom of writing.

Haha. No but really, she's good, and you should read what she writes.

Cuz it's fun!